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Boyfriend and Baby Mama Boundaries

by Danielle Wright

Relationships are challenging when it’s just you and your partner, but add another person and a child into the mix, and it becomes downright tumultuous to maneuver at times.

If you’re a single woman (not married) with no kids, it’s usually safer to refrain from dating single men with children. Of course, this has long since been a topic of conversation, with many women deciding that dating a man with kids is not that bad, especially if he’s no longer with his baby momma.

However, as women, it’s high time we take accountability for our decisions, and when we make our beds, we must lie in them. Sure, not all baby fathers still have relations with the mother of their children, but rest assured the thought at times crosses their mind, and there's no reason why you should want to come last on anyone’s list.

“There are no victims, only volunteers,” a saying that can often predict the outcome of many situations, especially the aforementioned. As a woman, it is your responsibility to ask the hard questions: Why did your boyfriend and his baby mother break up? Who broke up with whom? When did they last have relations? Why did he not think to marry her? Does he want more children? What kind of relationship does she have with his family? Has his baby mother moved on, and is she in another relationship?

“Women with no children should not be dating men with children when the mother is still very active in their life,” says Lisa K. Stephenson. “When you decide to date a man with kids and the mother has moved on, you should wonder to yourself why a woman who risked her life to bring his child into this world does not want to be with him any longer.

If the mother of his child has moved on and is now in a happy and healthy relationship, you should then ask yourself, why was it possible for her to move on and not him? That should tell you all you need to know about who was the problem. Why disrupt your life and your peace by knowingly inviting a problem into your domain?”

If you have to set boundaries between your boyfriend and his baby mother, then you’re already too deep into the game and need to retreat. Boundaries are the physical and emotional limits of appropriate behavior between two people. When you have to insist on your boundaries being respected, then there is no respect in the first place; you’re crossing over into mothering your boyfriend, which he will eventually come to resent you for.

We cannot change others; we can only control ourselves and our actions towards others. Requiring boundaries to be placed between someone else and the mother of their child is dangerous waters and will not end well.

Related articles: Dating Someone With a Kid

Longing for a fairytale ending does not mean that you should position yourself to be codependent on a relationship that is not healthy. In almost all instances where there is a single father, he and his baby mother are having relations. You have to be the woman to stand out, not complain or nag.

Men do not treat women badly; it is not their first act towards a woman. Men are aware of how they should treat women—opening doors, dates, boundaries with others, not cheating. They do not need to be reminded. The best thing for you to do is leave, and if that is not something you’re ready to do, then consider the below:


Begin filling your time with activities and spend less time with your boyfriend when you notice he is acting inappropriately with the mother of his child. When he begins questioning why you’ve become so elusive, then you can calmly and nicely let him know that his recent behaviors are something you’re not too fond of and needed to put some distance between you both.

If he cares about you, he will change his behavior on his own. If he does not care, then he will understand the distance and ask for even more, maybe even end things. Always remember, the average man hates being alone. So, if you’re tempting to leave and he takes the bait, it’s a good chance that it’s because he has someone else around—the baby mother.


Men like to do this a lot, and I am a firm believer that women should too. Acting aloof means tapping into your feminine energy—detached without emotion, distant, not friendly. When you do this, you are using your actions to show your emotions, and that is what men respond best to when they care or when they haven’t found anyone to replace you yet.

I know that sounds harsh, but it’s the reality, and the only way to get a man to love you and not feel the need to replace you is by standing out, being different. If the last woman did not require certain things from him, then you should do the opposite: require marriage before children, to be a kept woman, to be provided for—never feel threatened by his last relationship. Men bank on you feeling intimidated, which leads to complaining and lowered self-esteem.


You’re single until married, and you should never put all of your eggs in the basket of a man who has already laid his seeds elsewhere. Without a commitment, you should not be sharing a home, a bed, or a life with any man, let alone a single father. They are not special; in fact, they are a liability. Make room for your future husband by having options and not allowing yourself to be tied down with a man and his baggage.

The person you want to have children for is a man who you know deserves them and that you feel the world deserves another him. When you’re dating a man, and he’s not kind or chivalrous, or he’s a player who leaves you feeling isolated and miserable, why would you consider making a carbon copy of someone like that? The last woman did, and it didn’t work out too well for her. Be wiser, be classier, and have boundaries for yourself, not him.


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