Updated: May 2
If you have ever had a boyfriend, more likely than not, you have been haunted by thoughts of his ex. Is he still attracted to her? Does he compare sex with you to sex with her? They are horrible thoughts, nonetheless, they seem to permeate our minds. While I cannot speak for men all over the world, I can speak from my personal experiences with guy friends and boyfriends.
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Do you want the truth? The answer to those dreaded questions depends on a lot of things: Who your boyfriend is as a person, how their relationship ended, how long it has been, how sexually active they were, how in love were they…The list can go on forever. The only way to find out is through keen observation and perhaps talking to him about it.
If they broke up because she cheated on him or did something equally as awful and wrong to him, I think it is safe to say he wants nothing to do with her. So no, he does not think about her sexually. He probably tries to avoid thinking about her at all, and when he does, I can almost guarantee they are not kind thoughts.
Say their break up was ages ago, he probably doesn’t think about her much. How often do you think about your ex from two years ago? However, if it is more recent, say it's only been a few months, then perhaps he remembers her a little bit more often. That does not necessarily mean the end of the world, but it could potentially mean something not too great.
In reality, as long as he does not act upon them, memories are harmless. No one compares their significant others to their past lovers. When they do, it is not a malicious thing, rather it is an objective observation. You may observe that your current boyfriend doesn’t have as much muscle as your ex, but you don’t care about it.
If that does not satiate or dull your morbid curiosities, then you simply need to talk to him about it. Ask him what his thoughts are about his ex if he is over her or not. If he’s not over her, he may be dishonest about it. Just gauge how much you trust him and try to be able to tell a lie from the truth. Most guys probably are not lying though when they tell you that they are over their ex. Just know that the relationship did in fact end, and if he met you and pursued you, then he was probably ready to move on.
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Suppose you are not the kind of confrontational person that can just ask him, a good indicator for these things is to take a look at your answers to the aforementioned questions. Do you compare sex with him to sex with your ex? Are you still attracted to your ex? Reflect on your answers. If you answered no, and you guys are pretty similar people then you can probably bet that he would answer no, too.
If you answered yes, you should think about that. Is it something relevant enough that you think he should be worried about? If not, the same probably applies to him. If he has compared you to his ex in bed, he has probably done it in the same way you have. Objectively. However, if you do think it is something he should worry about, perhaps the issue runs a bit deeper. Maybe you ask these questions and worry because you have a guilty conscience.
Asking yourself these questions is nothing but torture. As long as he is with you, you are with him, and there is mutual trust, then his previous relationship is irrelevant. Take a deep breath, and force those pervasive thoughts out. Do not let those thoughts hold you back from enjoying your relationship.
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