Updated: May 2
We talk a lot about how to work through our pain and how to heal our wounds a lot. It is a complicated process and it is never an easy one. When you’re in a relationship, healing wounds can seem like an impossible goal. Ladies, I speak from experience when I say it is frustrating for us and them.
Women have a little more groundwork for this since we are normally more aware of the range of our emotions as opposed to men. Of course, this is not true for everyone, and I encourage everyone to hone in on their emotions before they attempt to heal any emotional wounds with another person. Anyway, when you find that you or your partner has something they want to heal, there is an additional layer of complexity added. What we process and how can be different from how your partner processes and heals.
I had a boyfriend who was the most supportive person I have ever encountered. We both were attractive people. But he was teased for being ‘pretty’ and I was only considered in a crowd for being pretty. It was an issue for both of us and we didn’t even know how deep that problem ran. We both worked ourselves to death to prove that we were more than pretty, just in different ways.
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There is nothing more tragic than realizing that you are ruining a beautiful friendship and relationship because you have to prove yourself to someone to who you owe nothing. But I had to go through that to understand that my worth was something only I could assign. He found validation by applying to school again and getting an education in something he loved. His process was to excel in something only he felt he could where he was. I took longer.
I tell you this because no one is better or worse at healing wounds. Regardless of whether you are a man or a woman, you have to acknowledge the wound before it can be healed, and that process takes time no matter how much groundwork you have.
Emotional wounds don’t heal overnight and it can get very frustrating when a partner heals faster before you do. If your man, especially, can’t see how he isn’t helping your healing or has no clue he has wounds that need healing, the journey you are about to go on is long and you cannot expect results. If you want to heal in a relationship, you have to be open to change. A relationship is just as amorphous as our identities, they are constantly changing and growing with us. That means they can also get stuck and no longer grow if we don’t want to. To heal, you both have to want to grow and repair.
If you are in a relationship where your partner needs to heal but they don’t know it, odds are pretty high that they won’t change. You have to either accept that part of them or move on. It sounds harsh and cold, but you can’t change someone if they are not willing to change.
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On that same note, if you want to heal, you will change and your partner has to be okay with that as well. Healing is intentional and challenging. Ladies, you have to acknowledge those insecurities and actively choose to move past them. This only works if you have the support of your partner, and more importantly, their patience.
Relationships are work, period. Healing while in one takes time; if you are in a relationship that doesn’t feel like it’s going to go anywhere, then it probably isn’t a good relationship to heal in. You can begin the process of course, and they will help you in ways you can’t imagine, but you probably won’t find relief in that kind of relationship.
The other part of healing you have to remember is that you are never truly done. Life continues to happen, and you will continue to get hurt, the same goes with your man. You have to help each other every day to get better. Don’t get frustrated with each other, it doesn’t help and can cause the wounds to deepen. Women normally take the lead here and help their partners process in healthier ways, but don’t be closed off when every once in a while, your guy can do the same.
Don’t underestimate your significant other, they know you and may have an alternative perspective or way to help you feel good again. Your relationship will thank you for this. Healing your wounds together will make your relationship that much more beautiful.
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