by Samara Harris & Lisa K. Stephenson
Here at She’s SINGLE Magazine: The Relationship Authority we provide relationship advice intended for you to feel empowered – this could mean spending time outside of your relationship to see things from a logical point of view to simply enjoying singledom. When we think of the No Contact Rule, we think of this as a mechanism used to get back a relationship that ended – either amicably or acrimoniously.
Either way, the relationship is over. According to relationship Coach Gigi Diaz, “Healing can’t be rushed, and trying to rush healing usually ends up in suppressing emotions or trying to escape them; neither of which leads anywhere good. Instead, honor the feelings. Nurture yourself with time dedicated to activities you love, to being with people who will offer kind support. Keep your thoughts in light and love and release resentments so they don’t fester.”
Rather than thinking of no contact as a means of getting back together with an ex, think of it as a means of getting back to your old self. Too often we lose ourselves in relationships, we give up our hobbies, we become codependent, and slowly sequester ourselves from friends and family. You should take this time to gain clarity on your values.
Revival Health Coach Veronica states, “My romantic relationships had always left me disappointed – and I finally understood that all the little things like, not calling to let me know he would be home late when he knew I made an effort to prepare dinner, or never doing the laundry and consistently leaving a mess for me to pick up to refusing to plan anything for our trips until the night before when he knew full well that stressed me out were not forgetful or lazy, but simply incredibly disrespectful.”
When it comes to relationships, values and boundaries are important. While you’re waiting for your ex to miss you during no contact it is significant to your health and wellbeing that you take this time to reevaluate the relationship as a whole and determine if it is worth rekindling.
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No contact means no emailing, no calling, no “bumping into him on accident”, no meeting up for “closure”, no talking to him, no texting him, no letters, no responding to or initiating any texts, calls, or emails and most of all, no social media stalking. We all want to be missed by an ex after a relationship has ended because it gives us some form of validation of our worth.
Being missed by an ex helps to alleviate the pain that the feeling of rejection may cause. But why are you feeling this way and how can you prevent this in the future? It can take a man about 3-8 weeks to miss you, but despite what many other articles say on the topic, we advise that there should be no time limit on no contact.
Were you valued in the relationship? Did your opinions matter? Were you taken for granted? A man may begin to miss you because he has failed to replace you, the grass is greener syndrome – do you want to be someone else’s second choice? The answer is no.
Another reason is that he simply misses the benefits he used to get when he had you in his life. But what about you and your values? “Your values define you, what matters to you, and what’s important to you. They help you increase your self-worth because they determine what you will accept or tolerate and what you will not.” Veronica says.
Related articles: Should I Contact My Ex for Closure
Going no contact means living your life without the other person and vice versa. When they have a taste of what their life is like without you, they can compare and contrast what it was like when you two were together. When you find yourself in a position of having to go no contact it is usually after something terrible happens - a breakup, an argument, you were needy/clingy/possessive.
These things are, too, a reflection of you and your behavior that needs to be managed. How can you manage yourself if you are busy thinking and being at the beck and call of someone else? No contact is for you, not the other person.
During no contact your ex may be experiencing the following and in contrast, you should be doing the following:
RELIEF – The first 1-2 weeks your ex will feel free of you and your tantrums, your presence, and any feeling of obligation they had to you.
What Should You Be Doing? During this time, you should be allowing yourself to mourn the loss of the relationship. Do not overthink or be too hard on yourself, if you feel like crying, screaming, or breaking things (in a safe space) then do so. Allow yourself to feel your emotions.
CURIOSITY – They may start to wonder why they have not heard from you or what you might be doing instead. His curiosity will increase with each passing day that you are in no contact.
What Should You Be Doing? During this time, you have probably narrowed down a hobby that helps to keep your mind occupied. Maybe it’s something you used to do before your relationship and stopped mid-way into it. Whatever it is, you should be spending your time doing what you love.
ANGER – This does not happen in every scenario – namely a narcissist may experience what is called an extinction burst. What is that? An extinction burst refers to one’s reaction to a stimulus that once produced positive reinforcements but now ceases to exist. For example, maybe when he would bait you on social media through posts you would react or respond, and now, nothing, radio silence. This may drive him to ramp up his actions to get the response most favorable to him. Do not give in. Ignore. In other cases, he may get into a rebound relationship.
What Should You Be Doing? During this time, you should be ignoring all attempts your ex makes to get a reaction out of you. Remember, if you engage you are teaching him that when he behaves poorly it will warrant him a positive response – positive reinforcement of his unfavorable behavior is not the goal. Keep at it. Stay strong and maybe even go on a date or two.
PREOCCUPATION – Your ex at this point could be wondering about you and looking at his new relationship as a nuisance. He could be growing increasingly distracted by his imagination and what you could be up to that is keeping you from him.
What Should You Be Doing? Continue to keep control of your emotions and your actions. No contact is for you, remember? So, during this time take note of how you are feeling. Do you feel relieved that he is no longer a priority for you? Do you feel like you could potentially be happier with someone else? Now is the time to access your emotions.
FEAR – This is the final stage that determines any course of action. Your ex may be afraid he’s lost you forever and now the roles are reversed. If this person initiated the breakup, he is most likely feeling the way you felt in the beginning – mourning. It Is usually around this time that your ex will make some form of contact.
What Should You Be Doing? Seeking clarity on your values. As per Veronica, “Clarity on your values helps you to know exactly what you do, who you do it for, and it’s the only piece that you need to focus on to see positive change happen in your life.” You can see now how this person either added to your life or took away from your happiness and you now hold the cards. Will you let them back in or allow yourself more time to grow?
While it is safe to say that 60 days of no contact is efficient, it is prudent to know that there is no timeframe for your happiness. Your ex will no doubt miss you, but the question is, will you miss them once you’ve done the hard work in putting the pieces back together? Make the decision that is best for you.
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