Doubts in a relationship are normal by Jasmine Ledesma
You’re on one side of the couch and she’s on the other. The food has gotten cold and soon it will be too rotten to eat. The television mumbles to fill the silence. The air is a whip waiting to crack. You can’t tell her what’s bothering you because you’re not exactly sure either. Was it because she forgot to text you when she left to work? Or maybe she hasn’t been as enthusiastic in the last few days as you would have liked. You don’t look over at her. You go to bed in silence. In the dark, the question forms itself like a monster in an old black and white flick, slowly and silently. Are we over? Every relationship is going to profit, benefit and grow from setting reasonable expectations. It is not unreasonable to want to be happy, or at the very least content with your partner all of the time. Everybody wants the world handed to them, they want it fast, easy and simple. They don’t want to have to work. It is irrational, however, to think that a relationship can evolve into something healthy and satisfactory while at an emotional standstill. The work needs to be done. If a rock cannot move, its stance begins the process of erosion. Similarly, if you scurry away from even just the prospect of difficulties, of something going wrong, and instead insist on attempting to keep the dream of an easy relationship alive, then you are doing more damage than you realize. You are running your relationship into a dead end where it cannot prosper. Worries about the future of a relationship, especially one that is fresh and enjoyable, are completely normal and expected. However, how you react to these worries reflects the most likely course of the relationship between you and your partner. Everybody reacts differently based on how they were raised, what relationships have looked like to them in the past. Displaying overbearing, clingy behavior to reassure or soothe yourself is the same as deciding not to share what you are feeling. There has to be a balance in how you react. This does not mean you have to perfectly articulate what you’re feeling as you may not even be sure. Practice makes perfect and the more you indulge in the act of expressing yourself, the easier and smoother the act becomes as time goes on. Like everything, all of this is far easier said than done.
There is a common belief that speaking your worries out loud makes them true. This could not be any more wrong. Holding your worries inside of yourself only gives that anxiety more power.
The process of explanation can feel a lot like jumping into a cold swimming pool or turning a dark corner. If you put worry on a pedestal, you might as well give it a crown to wear.
It is scary. It is difficult. It can even be painful but you do not need to worship fear! If you have worries leeching, gnawing and scratching at your heart, begin by questioning yourself. Why are you stranding yourself on this island alone? Why are you holding that shovel? What makes you think you deserve this? Look at yourself in the whites of your eyes where you are softest. What is it that you are afraid of? Take time to let the answer come to you. Sit across from it.
Maybe you don’t feel like enough, you feel as though your partner deserves more. Maybe somebody has told you this. Remember that they are not in the room with you. You only have to listen to yourself. You are in control. Maybe you can’t imagine a future without your partner and the thought of absence, or a return to the way you lived before meeting them frightens you. You used to be so quiet and now look at you. You don’t want to lose their presence. It’s too valuable.
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