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I Slept With Him On the First Date, Now What...

by Patrick Holmes, Licensed Professional Counselor

As a past dating counselor, I used to get this question a lot! I mean, it was at least five times a week. Now that I am retired and am working with She’s SINGLE—plus, this recently happened to me—I wanted to further share my expertise with you all. First, let me begin by defining the term, ‘One Night Stand’. A one-night stand is a sexual relationship that involves no emotional attachment or any intention to move things further.


Granted, sometimes the woman is okay with this exchange because she is not looking for a relationship but needs some physical intimacy. This does happen. Men are not the only ones who enjoy sex, women do too, and studies have shown that women in their thirties tend to have a higher libido than men. So, if she’s a bit older a ‘One Night Stand’ or having sex on the first night may not seem too foreign.


Meeting someone for the first time on a date can be overwhelming and exciting at the same time. Let’s say you’ve been chatting it up on the phone for a while, you love hearing from him or her, and then they set up a date night. The date is going smoothly, things are progressing well and neither of you wants to leave the other just yet. So, maybe you head back to his place or he goes over to yours and you both get the drinking and talking, then boom, one thing leads to the next, and before you know it you’re having sex.


Not only did this happen to me recently after a first date; but my date and I came back to my place to work on some Designer Dram—it’s a one-of-a-kind bottle of whiskey. Something I highly recommend! But, yes, we did the do and I had a great time with her. She left and I continued speaking to her after that, you know why? She didn’t make it a big deal.


One of the things I told my clients all the time is, “The sex does not matter to a guy, it’s how you behave after the sex or in some cases, before! Whether you make him wait a few hours or ninety days, it does not matter.” So, Patrick why is that? Well, the truth is, women know within the first few minutes of meeting a guy whether or not they will have sex with him. Men, on the other hand, know after a few conversations and seeing you in person for the first time, whether or not he wishes to make a long-term commitment with you or keep you around for fun. And by fun I mean sex.

In this journal, you will be able to identify the do’s and don’ts of maintaining an independent, yet healthy relationship.


With this journal, you will receive quotes from the author and exercises you can complete either on your own or with a partner.


We are here to bridge the gap between romance and independence with the use of writing, meditation, and self-reflecting. Make a list, jot down your standards and adhere to them. Maintain your sense of stability by holding yourself accountable on a day-to-day basis. (Retail: $5.45)

 

It isn’t easy to hear and this may come as a surprise to you, but a lot of women are boring! BORING! They have no personality or charisma. Yes, she may be beautiful and highly educated, but she is not fun to be around and is probably lazy in bed.


Most of the time when a man loses interest after a one-night stand or having sex on the first date it’s usually because he does find her attractive, but her personality is a zero. He wants to continue keeping his options open.


Hence why it does not matter how long you make him wait, if you’re not someone who can keep him on his toes or be a good time, he won’t invest too much. This is where the bare minimum comes from…


After the sex is what matters most. A pal of mine shared that after having sex with a young lady on their first date they ran into one another at a mutual friend’s gathering. She then proceeded to hang with him all night and even went as far as telling their mutual friend(s) that he and she were now in a relationship. He was flabbergasted and did not want to embarrass himself or her, so he went along with it. After the night wrapped up he blocked her and never spoke to her again. This is what I mean by “how you act AFTER the sex”. Listen, don’t be weird. Don’t become a stalker. Just continue to be cool.


Sex is just sex and if you want him to see you as more than that you have to behave as though it was intentional on your end. Not something you did in hopes of earning a title or getting him to like you. 9/10 that will always set you up for failure.


I’ve also had male friends who ended up in relationships with the women they had one-night stands with or women who slept with them on the first date. The guy and the girl ended up just kicking it for a while. During this time she was able to show more of her personality and he got to know her well enough that her presence became a routine in his life, leaving him no choice but to make her his.


This doesn’t happen for everyone, sadly. But it is not impossible to turn something that you think is bad into something good. For the sake of this article I won’t dive into the importance of setting boundaries and avoiding a situationship, because if you are not looking to become a friend with benefits, you should not sleep with a guy on the first date, ever!


No man who sleeps with a woman on the first date is immediately thinking she is relationship material. It takes time and things have to build up to that. But we do understand that for most women this means sealing the deal and picking out wedding dresses. This kind of behavior is a huge turn-off to men and no matter how hard you try he will not budge on his stance. His view of you will not change.

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