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What To Do When A Guy Dumps You Unexpectedly

by Danielle Wright

Goodbye cuffing season, hello hot girl summer!

he-left-me-for-someone-else

I would like to begin by saying that not everything a man does is accidental or thoughtless. In almost every case we have heard of, it is clear that his intentions were premeditated. When a breakup is fresh, it may not be in your best interest to force a conversation.


Your partner may choose to ignore you, gaslight you, or forget about the problems altogether to avoid facing them. Therefore, it may be best to remain silent and give each other some space to process your emotions. However, it is important to eventually communicate and work through the issues together rather than ignoring them indefinitely.


WHY DOES HE DO THIS?

In most cases, men may choose to avoid taking responsibility for their part in a problem or argument. Pushing the topic can often lead to further hurt feelings and damage in the long run. While unexpected breakups are never easy, there is usually a reason for them, as men do not simply leave relationships for no reason.


Consider the analogy of a job: if you are making a lucrative income and your basic needs are being met, you are unlikely to quit just because of a bad day. Similarly, most men who leave relationships do so because they have found someone new or because the woman is no longer of use to them. For example, Wolfgang Porsche recently announced his divorce from his wife Claudia, not because he no longer loved her, but because her "dementia-like illness" had become unbearable for him.



If you choose to stay or beg to stay, you may find yourself shutting down your feelings and pretending that everything is okay. Over time, this can lead to feeling suffocated in the relationship, as you may be the one doing most, if not all, of the compromising. This is often because his ego is more important to him than your feelings or the relationship.


HE BLAMES YOU

Blame shifting, or escaping responsibility, is a form of manipulation and emotionally abusive behavior. An abuser has a great capacity for self-deception, projecting the blame for relationship difficulties onto their partner. For instance, they would not get angry if their partner did not nag them so much, or they would not lie if their partner did not get upset. In doing so, an emotional abuser will set up a dynamic where the victim comes to believe they are to blame and must work harder to fix the problems and improve the relationship.


Lisa K. Stephenson shares her own experience of emotional abuse, saying, “I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting in the car with my now ex-boyfriend, who yelled at me and told me I was not doing enough in our relationship. His birthday was approaching, and so, while working two jobs to pay off my debt, I made time to set up something special for him.


On his birthday, I took the day off from my evening job and rented a five-star hotel, bought him designer cologne, rose petals on the floor, and had a masseuse come to the room specifically for him…we had a great night. My birthday is five days after his. You know what he did? He sent me a text message that read, ‘Happy b-day.’ I then later found out that he was sleeping with another woman who happened to be pregnant with his child. Needless to say, things went completely downhill after that. I wrote about it in my book Covenant.”


This type of emotional abuse stems from childhood and has nothing to do with the victim. If someone believes that the abuser will treat the new partner better after the relationship ends, they are mistaken. Men do not change their ways; they change women.


SEPERATION ANXIETY

If you have gone into panic mode and began to beg and plead, please do not be hard on yourself. Unexpected breakups can trigger our separation anxiety and cause us to act in ways that are unfamiliar to even us.


In her book, "Covenant," Lisa admitted to breaking a bedroom window and keying her ex's vehicle. Sure, some may say this is extreme, but in the end, learning of deception or your partner abruptly ending things after you’ve invested into the relationship can be a tough pill to swallow.


It is wise to learn which of the four types of attachment styles you have before entering into a new relationship.


SECURE ATTACHMENT:

Here you can build secure, long-lasting relationships. You feel safe, understood, comforted, and valued during your early interactions.

Signs:

  • Effective Communication Skills

  • Ability to Regulate Your Emotions

  • High Self-Esteem

  • Ability to be Emotionally Available

  • Comfortable in Close Relationships



AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT:

Here you are dismissive and usually fail to build long-term relationships with people due to an inability to engage in physical or emotional intimacy.

Signs:

  • Hyper Independent

  • Are Dismissive of Others

  • Persistently Avoid Emotional or Physical Intimacy

  • Hard Time Trusting People

  • Commitment Issues


ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT:

Here you are fearful of rejection, fearful or abandonment, and need constant validation from your partner.

Signs:

  • Clingy Tendencies

  • Jealousy

  • Difficulty Being Alone

  • Intense Fear of Rejection

  • Difficulty Trusting Others

  • Feeling Unworthy of Love

  • Needing Approval of Others

  • Highly Sensitive to Criticism



DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT:

Here you have extremely disorganized and inconsistent behavior.

Signs:

  • Fear of Rejection

  • High Levels of Anxiety

  • Contradictory Behaviors

  • Signs of both Avoidant and Anxious Attachment Styles

You will notice that if either you or your partner displayed any attachment style aside from being secure, the relationship was not bound to last. I will discuss this further in another article. For now, consider this breakup a blessing in disguise. More than likely, the reason you are reading this now is that you have an anxious attachment style, which could be one of the reasons your partner decided to end things.


Our goal is to help women examine themselves to correct their behaviors and flaws, thereby increasing their confidence, self-esteem, and power. If a man ever decides to break up with you unexpectedly in the future, you will be too confident to care.

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