Why is the 'No Contact' Rule So Effective?

by Kayla McCullough

Photo by Retha Ferguson from Pexels

If you’ve done any research on how to get your ex back, then you’ve probably heard of the no contact rule. But in case you haven’t, let me give you a brief overview of what this golden rule entails. The no contact rule is a concept that was developed (probably by the smartest women ever known) to make an ex miss you, and ultimately, want to get back together with you. No two breakups are indeed alike, and every relationship is relatively unique.

But this rule has zero boundaries - and if precisely executed, works like a charm. In short, the no contact rule is effective because it is about becoming radio silent after a breakup. Meaning that the dumpee (probably you in this case) or the dumper (your ex) must shut down all communication for a certain period so that you can create space that allows for proper healing and rediscovery. This time that has been allocated to mending creates optimum potential for you two to come back together as a couple.

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Now, this rule does have one flaw – there is no certain amount of time that it will take. Like I mentioned earlier, every relationship is relatively unique, and every person has a different attachment level. Because of this, many ‘radio silent’ periods have the potential to last anywhere from six months to twelve. However, the length of time, you must keep one thing in mind – this rule has been practiced by some of the strongest couples out there and is what I consider one of the most effective rules that you could embrace during the post-breakup period.

But before we get into everything, I want to make one thing clear – this isn’t an article explaining if this method works. This is me explaining how you can practice it and succeed at it. Because let’s be honest, one of the most difficult things in the world is letting go and believing that whatever you let go will find its way back.

SO, WHAT IS THE NO CONTACT RULE ABOUT AND WHAT IS IT NOT?

Well, if you’re like me, you probably don’t believe anything unless you can see it, or you know that it’s been proven to work. And if you’re reading this, then you are really wanting to know if there’s any proof in the non-communication method. Lucky for you, I have the answers.

However, let’s make one thing very clear – the no-contact method is not a game or a ploy to get a person back into your life; this technique has been misrepresented as a way to “manipulate” a person into coming back to us. We should not desire to have people who have mistreated us back into our lives. On the contrary, this rule is a way to remove a negative influence so that you can live a healthier, more positive lifestyle.

And if at the end of the radio silent period, the Universe has somehow gifted you back the one you loved, then you will have known that what the two of you needed to make the relationship work, was a healthy dose of – one of the most inexplicably messy things in life – growth.

DOES THE NO CONTACT RULE WORK IF YOU WERE DUMPED?

“Will it work for me,” is the most frequent question that men and women have about this method. Many who hear about this treasured piece want to know why it’s so effective and how to succeed at it. When I’m in a deep discussion with one of my friends, I often hear “He’s so stubborn. Are you sure the no contact rule will work?” And with as little as a two-week notice, I will hear that they cut the method short and reached out to the one person they were trying to dodge. I then am met with the questions “Did I just ruin my chance?” or “Am I going to have to start over?”

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Well, no, and yes.

You see, if you know that you are going to end up willfully sabotaging your chances of getting an A+ with this test, then save yourself the anxiety attacks and block everything that includes him. But if you’re in it for the long run, then know that you are going to be getting so much more than just your ex back. You will end up developing self-love, rediscovery, value, relationship resets, and attraction. Now, I don’t want to give off the vibe that this rule is an easy one to follow because it’s not. But it is a foolproof plan that will work out in the long run.

STEP ONE: CUTTING OFF COMMUNICATION.

Cutting off all communication with your ex means that you do not contact them in any way shape or form… until the golden hour – and I will get into that shortly. So this means: if your ex texts you - you ignore them, if your ex calls you - you ignore them, and if your ex tries to reach out in any way – yup, you guessed correctly, you ignore them. By ignoring your ex, you are denying them certain freedoms to you.

So, based on psychology, they will more than likely react in a way to try and get that freedom back. After you have facilitated the non-communication method for a lengthy period (many recommend 30, 45, or even 60 days) then you need to implement a recovery plan. This plan focuses on you and the confidence that has grown during the time you’ve spent by yourself. If there’s anything that I can promise you, it’s that confidence is ultimately what makes you attractive to others – including your ex. So, play on that and the next time you see him out and about, flaunt what you’ve got.

STEP TWO: FINDING YOUR GOLDEN HOUR.

In many cases, if you’ve implemented this method into your life, then you’ve probably received texts galore from your ex. This is a good sign – if you haven’t answered them – and means that you can successfully move on to the next step in this plan – the golden hour. Golden hour is what I like to describe as the correct time when you can make contact again. You can do this if, and only if, you have received multiple positive communication outreaches from your ex. If you’ve got these, then it’s okay to regain contact again, but make sure that when you do, you do not get emotional and if you two agree to meet up again, then you do it publicly.

Trust me, I know it hurts when you lose something that you’ve treasured. I understand that not everyone can easily let go and just have faith. But, as a survivor, I’m here to tell you that through redeveloping your self-esteem and love, you can get through anything that is thrown at you. Keeping a journal and writing down everything that I felt was what made the path 100x easier to travel on.

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If you need a good outlet, I recommend journaling. Write down what you want to write - write down how angry and upset you are and get it all out. Get it all out until you don’t feel the urge to talk to them anymore. And if one day, you’re okay enough to travel down that road again, then promise yourself that you will do it with a clear mind and heart.

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