Dear Danielle: Is My Boyfriend Gay?

Dear Danielle,
I met this guy on Hinge about seven weeks ago, and we’ve been dating and doing almost everything together—practically inseparable. We made things official three weeks ago. His birthday was last Tuesday, so I decided to take him out for a nice dinner in the city where we could see the skyline… and, well… it was very nice and expensive—he has expensive taste, lol. Fast forward, we’re dining and having a great time, and then he tells me he’s going to the bathroom. I smile, he leaves, and a few minutes later, his phone dings with a notification from the Grindr app.

My heart dropped to my ankles, and I could feel my butt cheeks start to sweat (sorry if that’s TMI). But I just wanted to write in and ask—is my boyfriend gay? Should I be worried? What do I do? It’s been a few days, and I haven’t spoken to him about it yet. But I’m wondering if I even should—would that make him feel ashamed?

— Julie, Missie Community Member

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Hi Julie,
First, let me say congratulations on meeting someone! I know you’ve been a Missie here for a while now, and we’ve talked a lot about your aspirations and your dream guy—we even had some manifestation chats. But I have to say, seven weeks is a very short amount of time to think you know someone well enough to enter into a monogamous relationship. Perhaps the red flags were there, but because you’re really looking to finally settle down, you may have overlooked some of them—and now, here we are. We are not meant to collect red flags. If you see one, that means you’ve seen them all, and that alone should be reason enough to end things.

Now, you didn’t share too many details, but from what I gather:

• He likes nice things, and you took him out.

• You both rushed into a relationship, which tells me he’s either: (a) A guy who rushes into relationships for sex or to gain access to a woman’s resources, or (b) Someone who genuinely believes in settling down quickly.

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Sometimes, men enter heterosexual relationships because they want to conceive children naturally. They know that in order to do so, they need to play the long game—meet a woman, get married, have kids, and then, once the kids are old enough, go off to live in their truth. This is not uncommon—it happens every day. We often hear that men need to be players at least once in their lives to get it out of their system. Similarly, as women, we need to live alone and experience the joys of singledom—being a bachelorette at least once in our lifetime, ideally for three years.

So, it’s not impossible for this period in a man’s life to involve him exploring different women and sometimes even men. If you’ve ever seen the television show Insecure, there’s an episode (Stay Away, He’s Gay) where Molly is dating a man named Jared. In it, he expresses to her that he has been with a man—once. However, he also makes it a point to reiterate to Molly that he’s not gay. Despite this, she decides to stop dating him anyway.

This is not a unique occurrence, as some women are open to dating bisexual men and men who have had a fling with another man at some point but do not consider themselves gay. Is this the case with you? You won’t know unless you ask, but before you do, take into consideration that if he’s not out of the closet, confronting him could pose a threat to your safety.

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I need you to first revert back to that list we made together and see if this is something you can handle if he does happen to like both men and women. If it’s not, then it’s okay to discontinue the relationship by expressing your dislike for something else he may have done or said. On the other hand, this could be someone who simply fantasizes about gay men but does not have any interest in being one physically.

Psychologically speaking, straight men can have gay fantasies because sexuality exists on a spectrum, and fantasies don’t always define one’s sexual orientation. Apps like Grindr could be something a straight man uses to satiate those fantasies without having any real intention to act on them. Additionally, studies suggest that having occasional same-sex thoughts or fantasies is relatively common among straight-identifying men.

These usually stem from curiosity, admiration, or psychological exploration. A straight man might experience sex with a heterosexual woman and not find it pleasurable beyond ejaculation because:
(a) She doesn’t like to get on top and ride, giving him a break in between strokes.
(b) She complains a lot.
(c) She does not enjoy performing oral sex.

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Pleasuring your partner should be something you enjoy doing, not something that feels like a chore—because that is energy, and he can feel that in the moment. This can make a man feel unwanted and unappreciated, even if outside of that environment he loves you very much (think of Miranda and Steve from Sex and the City: The Movie). But if you do suspect that any of these things could be a driving force in him wanting to explore same-sex relationships, then consider the following:

EXPENSIVE TASTE: I hate to do this to you, girl, but men who have expensive taste and are fussy over hotel accommodations, their food, the type of jewelry they will allow themselves to wear, or even manicures are men who lean heavily into their feminine energy and could be someone who fantasizes about being with the same sex. Though he may not act on those fantasies, they are there.

MALE AESTHETICS: Does he constantly comment on men’s physical appearance, saying things like, “I don’t know why he’s not getting in the gym—boy, his belly is getting big,” or “He needs to do something about those nails and eyebrows”? These comments, although sometimes made in jest, are something to consider and could be a sign that your man is gay.

EXPERIMENTING: If he’s openly asking you to bring things into the bedroom like squirting dildos or pussy pumps—or worse, another man—this could be his way of testing the waters to see if you’d be open to these fantasies while not bluntly acknowledging himself as being gay or bisexual.

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DEEP EMOTIONAL BONDS WITH MEN: I try to be lenient with this sign because, oftentimes, men are fighting internal battles that women simply can never understand or relate to. Even something as simple as not being in the best financial position to take a girl on a date or pay for a date can lead some men to suggest group activities where they can text a friend and ask them to help with the tab.

Surely, men in this position should not be dating at all, but we can’t control others—only ourselves. I believe this sign should be a red flag when he’s ditching you to spend more time with his friends and has an obvious emotional connection with them, because the average male friendship is surface-level at best.

All in all, if he’s on the Grindr app, then it’s a sure sign that he has an interest in the same sex. While this could just be for fantasizing purposes, it could also indicate physical attraction. If this is not something you’re comfortable with or can see yourself sticking around for, then it’s best to cut your losses.

And girly, we’ll see you on the 13th for Pilates!

by Danielle Wright