How Does Privileged Blindness Impact Relationships and Women's Safety

Tribe member Janet Gracewood asked, “Why do guys invite you to their house for a ‘first date’?”

This is not an uncommon question because this is not a unique occurrence. In 2024, it seems that dating and courting have taken a turn for the worse, leaving many women feeling confused, insecure, or simply disinterested. When speaking with boomers, it's evident that a shift has happened. But where did it start? Men went from working their jobs, bringing home their paychecks to their wives (and sometimes their girlfriends) to manage and pay the bills, to now asking, “What do you bring to the table?”—as if insinuating that a woman should also carry the burden of being a provider in the household.

Many attribute this change to the music consumed in the African American community. Male R&B is down significantly. We used to hear music from artists like Jodeci, Tyrese, Usher, Joe, and many others who serenaded women through their music—even R. Kelly and H-Town. But now, we see the rise of hip-hop (both female and male), where women rap about being rich and using sex as a tool to trap men, and men rap about scamming, making money, and playing the very women who are using them for their resources. It seems to be an endless cycle of money and sex—love has been removed from music, and, consequently, from the community. There is certainly a correlation here.

Women like Lisa K. Stephenson say, “I don’t have a problem cutting off a man for not planning a date within a week of asking for my number, because as someone who takes her mother out to eat and do activities weekly, I do know that it is possible and can be inexpensive to date.” It's safe to say that money isn’t the sole reason men have become cheap and stingy—it boils down to a fear of rejection and/or being used.

If he can no longer provide, will you still love him? For most women, the answer is yes, but for a few, the answer is no. Just like we know men are more likely to cheat on their wives when she is pregnant, or leave his wife entirely if she becomes sick with cancer or some other disease. Men do not like weakness, and women do not like poverty. However, only one group is less likely to abandon ship when the going gets tough.

Men want appreciation, loyalty, and respect but believe it should be automatically given once they’ve shown interest in a woman. Due to their own behaviors, women have opted to cease reciprocating this level of interest because, once she does, the chase is over, and she’s now just another box to check on his list of women to bed.

Additionally, there was once a time when women did not venture to men’s homes on a first date—until the "vampire invitation" became a widespread phenomenon. Men were hurting women within the confines of their homes, and they themselves began stating that women with no standards in the beginning were not women they were interested in courting or becoming exclusive with. This is a case of, “I set the standard, but since I can no longer meet it, I will criticize the standard.”

The things men complain about today are the very standards they created:

• Working to provide
• Getting married and having children
• Romance
• Not dating women without standards

“Women don’t listen,” says the average man. But then, when she begins to listen, “Women are gold-diggers and only want to use men for their money.” Men with a low IQ have no vision for themselves, let alone the women they hope to date. The vampire invitation is rooted in privilege blindness for men. This happens when individuals who do not experience certain dangers due to their gender, race, or other forms of privilege are blind to those dangers for others. For example, men may not often consider the risk of walking home alone at night because they are less likely to be targeted for violence or harassment, so they don’t consider that same risk for women.

This blatant lack of consideration, which happens early on during the courting stage, is the first red flag from a man who is not only dangerous himself but also not good at leading and providing solutions for his partner. He will not be able to lead his household because the safety of those within its walls will be of no concern to him since it does not directly affect him.

Men who are naturally protective and will walk you to your car—even if you’ve just had an argument and stormed out—or who will never suggest that you come to his place late at night, are the type of men who can think outside of themselves and are usually good leaders. They not only can protect but are also less likely to be stingy with their time and resources. If a man does not care about your safety as a woman overall, he will never make a good leader or be an "airport dad."

These men always show their true colors very early on, so when women ignore these signs and then are told to jump into an Uber and come over at 9:00 at night or are sent home at 2 a.m. by a man who claims to like her, she is in for a dangerous ride. This man is going to make sure that you never feel safe in his presence—not physically, not emotionally, and certainly not financially. You will develop anxiety, PTSD, and many more ailments being with a man of this caliber. It’s not just about planning a date at a decent time anymore; it’s also about your safety as a woman.

Men need to be told what to do and how to do it in order to execute—sure, we can go with that. But is it your job to guide him? No.

HOW TO DATE 101 FOR MEN:

• Ask a woman for her number.
• Call her within 24 hours.
• Discuss her interests and likes.
• Plan a date around step number 3.
• Pick a place that is of equal distance from you both.
• Continue to communicate leading up to the date.
• If you suggest that she drives, be sure the time is appropriate—typically 5-6 pm.
• If she asks for an Uber or you prefer to send one, do so.
• Have an amazing night (if she likes flowers, please bring flowers).
• Walk her to her car or wait with her until the Uber arrives.
• Once she is home, she should text you to let you know she arrived safely.

Rinse and repeat about three more times, and then suggest a movie date or cooking at home. If after three dates she’s still a bit hesitant, then repeat step one. Four dates max. If this amount of effort is too much for you to get to know someone, then you’re not ready to date.

One date a week and some effort are not a lot to ask for—it’s actually quite simple to do. Once men stop seeing dating as a means to get laid and instead as an opportunity to be in the company of someone new until they meet someone they’re compatible with, dating will reset itself. Not only that, men need to spend less time on social media and more time appreciating the presence of a woman.

Until then, stay safe, ladies.

by Danielle Wright