How to Deal With Envy in a Relationship

How to Deal With Envy in a Relationship

Envy is one of the most challenging emotions to navigate in a relationship. It clings to you and, if not handled properly, seems to grow larger as time goes on. The worst thing about this nagging feeling is that it can drain the life out of you if you let it. Perhaps your partner has a friend who seems to like them beyond the friendly boundaries of a regular friendship.

There are flirtatious winks and heavy gestures, lots of giggling when your partner is around. Or maybe your partner has been busier with work than usual, and you find yourself having catastrophic daydreams of somebody else—the “somebody else” who lives in your head. There is always that “dream” version of another person: the superior fantasy individual who can work their charm more easily than you can, who is fitter, more educated, more interesting, or more fun. The list goes on. These thoughts plant seeds of doubt in your head. To defeat the fantasy, you must learn how to kill—or at least manage—the envy it sparks.

Here are four ways to deal with envy in a healthy, beneficial, and productive manner:

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How to Deal With Envy in a Relationship

DO NOT ACT UPON IMPULSE:
Envy is a red-hot emotion. It surges through us rapidly, making us dizzy with anger and hurt. It has the potential to do massive, relationship-destroying damage if you aren’t careful about taking care of yourself when it strikes. Take a few moments to calm down and talk yourself down from the ledge. Focus on the reality of the situation as best as you can. Find faith in the trust you have in your partner and hold onto it.

When experiencing strong feelings of jealousy or envy, the best thing to do is practice self-control in your speech and actions. This can help you manage and eventually dispel the negative emotions. Take deep breaths and rein in any impulse to lash out at your partner with harsh words. Acting impulsively could be detrimental to your relationship. If you feel you really need to say something, remind yourself of this wisdom from the Book of Proverbs: “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” Ground yourself. Breathe.

ATTEMPT TO RECOGNIZE WHERE THESE FEELINGS COME FROM:
This is—of course—easier said than done. However, it can be achieved in several ways, depending on what you feel would be most beneficial. You can reach out to friends or family for support, or you can write out your feelings in a journal using a more stream-of-consciousness method rather than structured entries. Afterward, review what you’ve written to identify patterns.

Most of the time, envy is born out of insecurity and continues to thrive on it. As they say, misery loves company. Perhaps you can trace your insecurities to how you were raised, the relationships you witnessed growing up, or how you’ve been treated in past relationships. Do you feel worthy? Is the fantasy person lingering in your mind? It is just as important to identify your feelings as it is to address them.

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TREAT YOURSELF WITH CARE:
After identifying the root cause of your envy and gaining an understanding of how it works, it’s essential to do something to relieve yourself. Have fun. By this point, you’ve been wound up and worked up. You’ve done the inner work and will continue to do so, but you must take a break from the emotional labor and do something kind for yourself. This will not only alleviate stress but also boost your confidence. Buy yourself a gift—something you’ve had your eye on. Take your partner out for an intimate, relaxing date. Or go see a movie you love. Unwind. You deserve it.

TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS:
You are only human. As stated previously, envy is a difficult and monstrous emotion that can sometimes feel overwhelming. If envy persists—despite your efforts to alleviate it on your own—it might be beneficial to sit down with your partner and discuss what you’ve been feeling.

You must approach this conversation calmly and respectfully, so you don’t come across as accusatory, which would only worsen the situation. Nobody has done anything wrong, but you are hurting. Let it out. Choose your words carefully and lovingly. Let your partner know where you’re coming from, what you’ve discovered about your emotions, and what you need from them. Envy is powerful, but you are stronger. You can overcome and defeat it by being emotionally open and aware. Listen to yourself, and allow yourself to be heard.

by Jasmine Ledesma 

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