How to Recognize and Fix Bad Communication Habits in Your Relationship

Do men want to be men anymore? There are countless videos online of women discussing this topic in great detail. Some are perpetually single, while others stand firm on their boundaries, noticing that this has led to fewer dating options. For the average woman, when she imagines herself in a relationship, it’s a cinematic love story—the kind where the man meets the woman, they fall happily in love, and he listens to her talk about her feelings while twirling small strands of her hair, staring lovingly into her eyes. But then she wakes up.

The reality of dating and marriage often feels more like a jail sentence than a scene from The Notebook. But why? What seems to be the problem? It dawned on me that there is undoubtedly a disconnect between men and women in relationships when I heard about a young woman who had birthed six children naturally, only to have her husband—who happens to be a pastor—announce on Instagram that they were getting a divorce. Why does this happen?

Then, of course, there’s the ongoing conversation about men and women ending their relationships once a baby enters the picture. Just look at DDG and Halle Bailey. DDG has been on a press tour discussing the nuances of their breakup, while Halle is posting a plethora of images, enjoying her peace, wine, and baby Halo. Are women just sick and tired of men? And if so, why aren’t men catching on? Are they even able to make the changes necessary to get women to actually long for them again? It appears that men no longer want to be men, but rather just feel like one.

In a patriarchal society, men are often rewarded for doing the bare minimum—whether it’s at work, after befriending the boss, or in their relationships, where they’ve conditioned their partners to expect less. Men understand that to be accepted into society, there’s an initiation phase: (1) get a good job, (2) find a wife or a woman to birth your children, and (3) be a player, but don’t get caught. We hear all too often that men expect women to tolerate infidelity, as long as she’s provided for or seen as the favorite—the one he comes home to at night. “You can cheat, but don’t get caught, and don’t embarrass me.”

In 2020, Kanye West announced his United States presidential campaign via Twitter and proceeded to give various speeches in multiple states. During his infamous speech, where he discussed Kim possibly aborting North, he almost mentioned his lack of fidelity in their relationship/marriage. However, this detail was glossed over and never dissected or discussed in great detail by most publications or blogs. Many focused on his rant about his daughter, North.

Shortly after, Kim K. filed for divorce, and once again, the narrative suggested that her reason was due to his bipolar disorder and his mention of their daughter during the rally. But could it have been that she, too, was hearing about his infidelity for the first time and decided to take swift action? In cases like this, communication is not always the answer; sometimes, taking action by leaving or removing yourself from the relationship entirely is. There are always signs of bad communication in a relationship that can inevitably lead to its downfall.

Take, for example, DDG and Halle Bailey. Surely, she communicated her discomfort around him showing off their son on social media so heavily—so much so that Halo became a meme on Twitter, and then his father tried to recreate it. Or consider the housewife who is probably feeling burned out and tired, communicating to her partner that she needs help or some time for herself, only to be met with questions about her competency. Lastly, the world watched in real-time the breakdown in communication between Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.

So, how do you recognize and fix bad communication habits in your relationship while living in a patriarchal society? First, you need to recognize the signs:

• Poor Listening Skills
• Inability to Adapt
• Emotional Reactivity
• Dominating Conversations
• Disorganized Thoughts
• Inconsistent Messaging
• Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Surely, we’ve seen one or more of these signs in any of the previously mentioned examples, but how can you recognize them in your own life? When a man is not listening to you, it’s evident that you are not a priority for his focus. He may be physically present, but mentally he’s checked out, often giving one-word responses or answers that have nothing to do with the topic you’ve presented. Men are problem solvers, so next time try incorporating an issue into your story and see if he’s willing to offer you a solution. If he is, then he’s listening. If not, it likely went in one ear and out the other.

A man’s inability to adapt is very telling, as they often tailor their message to their audience. A good way to gauge if a man has good or bad communication skills is to see if he asks questions about you before planning your first date. Additionally, by the time you’re both ready to be intimate, does he ask about your wants and needs in bed? If he does, he’s passionate about you and communicates well.

Otherwise, lazy men with no real intention of settling down will use the same approach and technique for every woman they meet, failing to consider different emotions, perspectives, and levels of understanding. This explains why some men easily move on or "monkey swing" from one relationship to the next—they don’t invest time in truly getting to know any woman they meet. Less effort means moving on seamlessly. The only way to fix this is to avoid such a man early on; there is no fix, only prevention.

When a man overreacts, becomes defensive, or responds with anger instead of staying calm and composed, it’s a clear sign of poor communication. This often happens when a man is under a lot of stress or pressure at work or experiencing tension in his social circle. However, men are usually good at compartmentalizing; he knows that what he’s going through has nothing to do with you and will try to keep those feelings to himself or resolve those problems without involving or worrying you.

If a man lets his stress spill into the relationship, it shows a lack of emotional maturity, and he may constantly need pampering and handholding. This can lead to him taking advantage of you and resenting you later once his problems are resolved, causing him to move on to someone else who did not witness him in such a vulnerable state, which he fears could result in being poorly judged. To fix this, you need to acknowledge when he is stressed and say, “I see that you have a lot going on right now, maybe now is not a good time for us to talk, date, or be in a relationship. I will give you space.”

He will either respond by saying that space is not necessary or agree. If it’s the former, this is a good sign because now he knows he cannot lean on you to solve his problems—you’re willing to walk away and let him handle things on his own, which he will respect. If it’s the latter, then he might be a “mama’s boy” who resents you for not stepping up, signaling that he’s more interested in using you as a crutch.

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by Danielle Wright