Moral Licensing in Relationships
Moral Licensing – How Good Intentions Can Lead to Destructive Behaviors
Have you ever stuck to a diet all day, hit the gym for an intense workout, and then rewarded yourself with a massive serving of ice cream? Or perhaps you finally committed to a serious relationship, only to run back to an ex after an argument because you felt you "deserved" something better? If this sounds familiar, you're not alone.
Most of us believe our moral compass points due north, guiding us to make the right choices. Yet, research suggests that when we behave morally, we’re more likely to justify later actions that are unethical, impulsive, or problematic. This phenomenon, known as moral licensing, allows us to "balance out" good and bad behavior, often to our own detriment.
Life coach Chantinique Langston explains that moral licensing is often overlooked in daily interactions, yet it can sabotage personal growth and relationships. While rewarding yourself for good behavior isn’t inherently wrong, it becomes harmful when it undermines progress—especially in relationships. But why do we do it?
Related articles: Self-Love Practices That Help Single Women Thrive
Related articles: The Role of Self-love in Attracting Healthy Relationships
The answer lies in self-image. We all have a mental picture of who we are—our physical, emotional, and social identity. When making decisions, we subconsciously ask, "Am I the kind of person who…?" This internal dialogue helps us align actions with self-perception. When things go awry, our self-image influences whether we exercise willpower or give in to temptation.
Importantly, the brain doesn’t seek perfection—it strives to keep us within a range of positive and negative self-perception. We justify indulgences by telling ourselves we’ll do better next time. However, as Langston warns, "When you incorporate serious discipline, it brings balance and peace to your mind, body, and spirit. Moral licensing becomes obsolete in building healthy relationships."
So, how can you avoid moral licensing? First, recognize that your brain will always try to justify behavior to maintain a self-image balance. Instead of framing actions in terms of morality, focus on goals and values. Langston emphasizes the power of mindfulness, which enhances self-awareness and helps identify moral licensing in real-time. Past good deeds don’t justify future missteps—especially in relationships. While anyone can fall into the trap of making excuses, true growth comes from holding yourself accountable and making conscious, value-driven choices.
by Kayla McCullough
