Signs of Bad Communication In a Relationship
“There is no such thing as a bad communicator; he just doesn’t like you.” – Anonymous.
When we think of bad communicators, we think about people who have their phones on DND or those who use the excuse, “I replied in my head.” What does any of that even mean? To be fair, the older we get, the less noise we want to hear, so people over the age of thirty who choose to have their phones on DND are very much relatable and may not be seen as bad communicators. In the age of social media, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed with our thoughts and day-to-day activities.
Especially women with children or those of us who work very demanding jobs—being on the phone just isn’t that much of a priority. As we get older—post-college—we will find ourselves less interested in socializing unless it directly impacts us. For example, unless you’re actively dating, then sure, you’ll make more effort to communicate because you have a goal in mind—to get into a relationship.
Now, let’s say you are actively seeking a relationship or you are in one. Poor communication skills can develop over time as the relationship progresses, or worst-case scenario, bad communication was a problem from the beginning, but you chose to ignore the signs. The way things have shifted today, many people think that everyone is replaceable and that they no longer have to put effort into their relationships for them to last.
Many men think that a 10/10 female is just one DM away, while many women believe that a six-figure earner who wants to buy her Lululemon, LUEQ, and Cartier is just one solo bar date away. All in all, everyone thinks that their preferences are simply everywhere, so when one preference misbehaves, another will magically appear. For men, this can hold some truth, but for women… not so much.
The average woman has to wait for a man to approach her, and sometimes that man is either physically unattractive and rich or physically attractive and broke—among a plethora of other things that may be considered red flags. The key to making a relationship last is to work on those communication skills. So, what constitutes poor communication when dating or in a relationship?
LACK OF ACTIVE LISTENING –
One of my biggest pet peeves is people who interrupt others when they’re speaking. This is a clear indicator that the person who should be listening is not listening to engage; they are focused only on their response without processing what is being said and may end up missing important details.
The most beautiful conversations are those had between two people who are actively listening to one another. This is called dialogue. Interrupting someone while they are mid-thought is downright disrespectful. If you or your partner is doing this, then it’s time to sit them down and express that this is unacceptable behavior. Neither of you can hope to progress in the relationship if you’re not willing to listen to one another.
POOR CLARITY OR AMBIGUITY –
There are a number of men who are guilty of this, and when confronted about it, they act like it’s not an issue, citing things like, “I’m just not that talkative” or “I’m a nonchalant type of guy.” Neither of these types of men exists when he’s around a woman he likes or has a genuine interest in. Speaking in vague or unclear terms, using jargon, or not structuring ideas can confuse the listener.
This lack of clarity makes it hard for others to grasp the message and can easily lead to misunderstandings. Don’t get fooled or fall for the trap of having to decipher what someone is trying to say because the answer to your question is unclear. Confusion is a tactic that some men use to keep women at their disposal. The more confused she is, the more clarity she will need, or she will try to piece those answers together herself. When a woman likes or loves a man, those pieces will almost always be positive, making her more susceptible to mental and emotional abuse.
INABILITY TO EMPATHIZE -
Good communication requires understanding others’ perspectives and emotions. Someone who struggles with empathy may come across as indifferent or disconnected, which can create emotional barriers and reduce effective dialogue. A great example of this can be found in an article I completed a few days ago, where I discussed privilege blindness in men when it comes to women’s safety.
Men who cannot empathize with the women they’re pursuing regarding something as simple as her saying, “I don’t feel safe coming to your house for a first date” or “That’s pretty late for us to meet up. Is there an earlier time that works for you?” will, more often than not, be mentally abusive later on down the line. He’s already exhibiting a lack of understanding and empathy towards you, the woman, and your safety because you and he do not face the same dangers. Stay away from men like this.
EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY -
Believe it or not, there are many men and women who immediately become defensive during discussions that make them uncomfortable. This can shut down effective communication. An example of this was during my childhood—my older brother and I would often speak to my mother about the things she’d said to us amid company that made us feel bad as children.
She would immediately dismiss us and get defensive. This made us feel like it was best to never bring up anything to her. Eventually, my older brother got married and didn’t really allow his kids to have a relationship with her. When instructed by his therapist to tell my mother why he did this, he mentioned how hard it was to talk to her growing up, and he never wanted his children to experience that, nor did he quite heal from being dismissed all the time.
The same can be said for me. I stopped sharing things with my mother over time, which led to a breakdown in our relationship. She eventually took notice, and she is a brand-new woman today; she is our best friend. She’s far more open to discussions that can get uncomfortable, and she applies changes where needed. Not only that, but we trust her more to guide us and give us advice in our daily lives. It’s become a much healthier dynamic now that we all effectively communicate with one another.
INADEQUATE FEEDBACK OR RESPONSES -
A great film that comes to mind when I think of this example is War of the Roses with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner. There’s a scene where Barbara (Kathleen Turner’s character) asks her husband, Oliver (Michael Douglas’s character), to read or review something she was working on. He shrugged her off and showed no interest in helping her, but wanted to be intimate.
When you enter a relationship or are seeking one, you want to be with a person who makes time to engage in healthy dialogue with you and shows they are committed to understanding you. It’s not hard to find a person who finds you attractive, but attraction and genuine interest are two very different things.
by Danielle Wright
