What Does It Mean to Gaslight Someone? "That's Why You Can't Keep a Man"

After watching clips online about the Kirk and Rasheeda debacle, I’ve decided to chime in.

However, my take is going to be a deep dive into the matter because there are so many inner workings to navigate. So, prop your feet up, pour your wine, and let’s go. Why do men date younger women? The patriarchy encourages men to date and marry younger women because it makes them feel more powerful, and younger women are often easier to control.

Traditional relationships where there is an age gap—particularly where the man is older and the woman younger (but legal)—are typically encouraged. Women are conditioned from an early age to aspire to marriage. This starts with us playing with our Barbie dolls and having her marry Ken, to seeing Disney princesses saved by their Prince Charming, who often happens to be older.

Did you know that in the story Snow White, she is only fourteen years old, while the prince is much older? In the novel The Snows of Khione, Prince Amer, on his eighteenth birthday, is to wed a girl by the name of Mary, who, on their wedding day, is going to be twelve (the wedding doesn’t take place in the first book, but I did the math)!

So, why is this so common and normalized in both fictional stories and reality? Aside from men wanting power, it’s really about conditioning and biology. From an evolutionary perspective, the argument around whether men are “biologically incapable” of monogamy stems from theories related to reproductive strategies. However, it’s important to note that biology alone does not dictate human behavior, as culture, society, and individual choices play significant roles.

One of the primary biological goals is the successful passing on of genes to the next generation. The theory is that men, like many mammals, may have evolved to increase their reproductive success by mating with multiple partners to spread their genes as widely as possible.

From this perspective, monogamy might limit a man’s ability to maximize his genetic contribution. In America, a man’s motivation to reproduce is often tied to his financial ability to care for his offspring. Obviously, you have some men who simply do not care for their children financially, but there are laws put in place to reprimand such behavior, which negatively reinforces the act.

However, it’s all about conditioning. The media often shares that younger women are less likely to experience high-risk pregnancies or have children who could suffer from mental or psychological disorders, while very meticulously overlooking the fact that the older a man is, the more likely he is to pass on sperm that can contribute to the aforementioned issues, including autism.

Men often seek younger women to procreate with and, unfortunately, to cheat on. "That’s why you can’t keep a man" is a form of gaslighting. Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic meant to make someone doubt their own reality. It is not a woman's responsibility to "keep" a man; if a man chooses to be monogamous, he will be. Women are conditioned to believe that in order to maintain a successful relationship, they must remain attractive—never gaining weight, even after giving birth.

They're expected to be freaky in bed, prioritize his needs over their own, manage the household, and in some cases, work to contribute financially. The average man isn’t incapable; he’s just uninterested. There’s a common joke that when a woman is with a man she trusts, her brain shuts off, and he becomes hyper-aware of their surroundings, taking on responsibility for their safety. However, at home, it’s often the man’s brain that shuts off, leaving the woman responsible for maintaining the household and raising the children.

Women are led to believe that the harder they work to make a man happy, the less likely he’ll desire other women. Yet, we're also taught that "men will be men," implying that no matter what a woman does, she cannot keep a man loyal or content. The harsh truth often comes to women later in life, which contributes to the perception that older women are undesirable to men. We've heard the claims before:

"If she’s thirty and up, she’s washed up. She’s old. No man is going to marry her."

"A woman past thirty-five who has never been married is not desired." Blah, blah, blah. The aspiration for marriage often diminishes as a woman gets older, especially for those who are career-driven, successful, intelligent, well-traveled, and living fulfilling lives with hobbies. These women aren't interested in having a man around if it compromises their peace.

By the age of thirty, many women are just beginning to truly find themselves and their freedom, particularly if they are without children. They become harder to manipulate, making them less desirable to men who seek to play games or avoid monogamy. It has nothing to do with her reproductive abilities or "aging out of the game" physically; it's about her refusal to be easily controlled.

Additionally, older women are often tired. Tired from work, from travel, and from life's demands, they aren’t going to jump through hoops to make sure a man’s breakfast is cooked or his clothes are pressed before heading to their 9-5. Nor are they willing to wait around for bi-weekly dates because a potential suitor is living paycheck to paycheck. They want to be impressed, and for a man to capture the heart of such a woman, he has to match her mindset—not her bank account.

She wants her freedom, which includes coming home after a long day, spreading out on the couch with her bra off, binge-watching her favorite shows while her maid handles the cooking and cleaning. So, ladies, always remember: it’s not your job to keep a man. Do what makes you happy, be selfish, and treat him like a friend. Never devalue yourself, because men—whether older or younger—will always desire an independent, confident woman.

by Danielle Wright