Why Do Guys Go On Dating Sites When In a Relationship?

Asking the question, “Why do guys go on dating sites when in a relationship?” is no different than asking, “Why do men cheat?”

The answer is simple: ego. Here’s the thing—ego is a complex psychological concept that often relates to one’s sense of self, self-importance, and self-worth. In men, a heightened ego can sometimes fuel behaviors that reinforce self-image, power, or validation—qualities that might be pursued through affairs or other acts that boost their self-worth or provide an escape from perceived personal inadequacies.

But that is actually giving most men too much credit because cheating ultimately comes down to a lack of respect for their partner. When a man believes he needs to be validated by someone who is not his partner, this feeling, while temporary in most cases, can lead to long-term effects. I remember reading in a text during undergrad that when a man enters into a relationship, it is not for him to be faithful—it is for the woman he is dating to be faithful.

Here are a few things to consider: a man can date you, live with you, and enter a relationship with you all while having no intention of ever marrying you or being a provider and protector to you. Also, a man can have casual sex with you while also letting you know that he is not concerned with you having relations with other men outside of him. Neither are different. Relationships to a man simply mean that you, the woman, are his property that he is currently leasing but does not own. To own you is to marry you.

When you’re not married but still in a relationship, you’re essentially letting this man know that he is free to roam and have his way with other women; however, you are acknowledging that you cannot and will not do the same thing. We hear it time and time again that men have standards and will not stay with a woman if she cheats on him, but men are not a monolith, meaning you cannot take one scenario and apply it across the board.

The man who leaves his woman for cheating does so for one of two reasons: he either never loved her anyway and was cheating as well, or he’s leaving before he can get left. Men are not emotionless; they feel the impact of breakups and betrayal just as women do; however, they handle it differently. For most men, their ego will not allow them to stay in a relationship where the woman was unfaithful, as this will only reinforce feelings of low self-worth, which almost always is a façade to begin with.

When a man’s ego is tied to his achievements, appearance, and relationship routines, cheating may feel like a way to escape from the aspects of the relationship, whereas being cheated on will taint his image, making him no longer feel masculine around his peers and, in some cases, with you. Societal expectations placed on men are so brutal that, while women see it as masculinity, men see it as servitude, bondage. I mean, think about it: a masculine man must plan the dates, pay the bills, endure hard labor, take jabs his wife may throw at him, fix things, carry things, protect, provide, and in some dire circumstances, die for his family.

Men, if they follow the expectations placed on them, are essentially born to work, serve a woman, never complain, and then die. A woman can have 100 mood swings and never be held accountable; the reaction will almost always be, “What did he do to make her that way?” Blaming someone else for another person’s emotional immaturity just because that person is a man is abuse.

With that being said, men will only do what they are allowed to do. If a man in a relationship is on a dating app and cheating, it’s probably not his first time. Cheaters who get caught the first time and whose partner chooses to stick around will only get smarter when they aim to cheat again because, believe it or not, they will cheat again; there’s at least an 85% chance of this.

So now he’s been caught the first time, maybe it was with a girl from work, a neighbor, a family friend, or whoever, and so the app—in his mind—is a bit more discreet, and his chances of being caught are almost slim to none. Cheaters don’t stop; they only get better at it. This is not to blame his partner, but here at She’s Single, we also like to hold women accountable. Men who beg their partners to stay after they’ve been caught cheating are not interested in self-improvement and will not respect you, the girlfriend, for staying.

By the second or third time, they know they can get away with anything as long as they cry and berate themselves. Men have a powerful gift: they know how to manipulate the hell out of a woman, even the ones who read at a 5th-grade level. They understand that ego trumps emotions; it’s like a game of rock, paper, scissors, and the more inflated the ego, the more confident he appears on the outside while he’s courting and taking care of you, the stronger he comes off.

But internally, he’s weak-minded and lacks any real self-control, so by the time he’s caught cheating on you and reverts to this minuscule version of himself—the apologetic, empathetic, kindhearted person you’ve probably begged him to be throughout the relationship—he can easily reel you back in. To avoid having his mask slip again, he’ll turn to a dating app. Dating apps as a whole should be abolished because most men on there see it as a shopping mall to shop for women when their girlfriends make them mad or won’t let them release their masculine urges.

By the time a man resorts to a dating app to cheat, it’s likely that he’s already done it in person with someone, has been caught before, and the woman stayed. Never, ever stay with a man once he’s cheated on you. There is no fixing him or the relationship because he will cheat again. Unless it’s your husband and you have leverage in the marriage to strip him of his finances, then, truth be told, it’s not worth it. Forgiving a boyfriend for betrayal is pointless and worthless, and you’ll spend your youth being cheated on and lied to regularly. By the time you muster up the courage to leave, you’ll be so tainted that you’ll be the one turning off men, not the other way around.

by Danielle Wright