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Dating an Intimidating Woman

When he says things like..."'re Intimidating..." by Lisa K. Stephenson


So, here I am, sweating, fresh out of a spinning class. I am trying to find the best and the politest way to cite my opinion without coming off egregious or factious. Millennial men, what’s going on? I want you to talk to me, time and time again I meet a man and after a few conversations, maybe one or two meetups I get the inevitable text message, “I mean…you’re intimidating, and I don’t want to have to play catch up.” Now, this statement is coming from men between the ages of twenty-seven to thirty. Let me get this straight, I am intimidating because you see that I have a career, I am ambitious, I have a place and maybe, just maybe, I got a little resting bitch face situation going on? Anyways, please grow up and spare me the nonsense.

Granted, I have an ugly past when it comes to men, but I refuse to allow that to define who I am today. I am a woman who is intelligent, diligent, and dare I say it, nurturing. It would be nice for men to simply learn to appreciate such a woman rather than viewing someone of my caliber as a threat. Perhaps these men do not feel “needed” in my life and even though this may be correct, gentlemen you are “wanted”. I am human, and I yearn for companionship just like any other human on this planet. Besides, I am a single woman residing in New York City living in a two-bedroom apartment, you think I like lifting heavy boxes and assembling the furniture as though my name were Bob the Builder? Hell no! Not to mention that little pink toy I purchased from Romance and Things can do but so much and batteries are expensive! TMI? My apologies.

I’ve rambled enough, let’s get to the nitty-gritty ladies and figure out this dilemma together.

Why is he intimidated by you?

(1) How to look approachable to men: As aforementioned, a sister got a little resting bitch face situation going on, especially a few days after I got my eyebrows micro bladed. I was looking extra ROUGH. But, despite sometimes giving off an energy that screams, “Don’t fuck with me!” I am a very down to earth and amicable individual. This “unapproachable” look can even be derived from clothing, now, ya’ll know I am all about a good fit. But since when do clothes define a person? You would think that me taking pride in my appearance would attract a man, not send him heading for hills. But contrary to popular belief, men like a woman who can look phenomenal in something laid back, hence why many men have no problem picking up a woman at the gym: she is dressed casually and 9/10 in her natural state. Moving on…

(2) Assertion: My boss bitch, alpha woman tendencies—I am a LEO sun—will only rear its ugly head when needed. Situational awareness people! We must be consciously aware of our surroundings always and understand that there is a time and place for everything. I do stand firm in my statements, I do like to educate others and I love to offer advice to my peers, that should not, however, cause anyone, man or woman to feel that when pit against me their voices cannot be heard. My words are my weapons because, with an inclined vocabulary such as mine, that is typically all you need. But, what separates me is that despite all of this, I am a woman who is open to change, and I value the opinion of others. Listen twice, speak once, that’s my motto.

(3) Misunderstood: I cannot stress enough that I do not need anyone to validate my authenticity, because I know who I am as a person. But, social media has brought on even more judgments and false interpretations that even before meeting a person we think we already know them. This is false! We should not be using social media as a way of judging someone’s character. I have spoken to men who have initiated contact with me via DM, advise ME that I am (bougie) and tell ME what I do and do not like. “Wait huh, I like chicken and waffles, say what?” I don’t like that, I posted a pic because I was trying it for the first time. But, the way my diet is set up, I was harping 'Dreamgirls - One Time Only' out of the restaurant. Keep in mind this is a small example of just how wrong people are and can be about one’s personality just based on social media and one or two conversations. Pre-judgement is not playing fair at all!

(4) Competition: Reality check! Some dudes will tell you-you're too intimidating because the reality is he doesn’t like the idea of any competition. “Wow, look at that body and romp…on that beauty right dere.” He will bask over your physical beauty, telling himself that the more attractive the woman, the more likely she is to have her pick of men. Newsflash! I do not want my pick of men, I want the dude who I find attractive who I let sit next to me right now. Can we all just chill? My advice here though is if he doesn’t have to self-esteem and confidence needed to get past the power differential, because let’s face it, beauty is power, then move on.

Now, I wrote this because I am genuinely feeling let down by a lot of men, especially the ones who allow themselves to tell me that I am too intimidating. What exactly are you expecting from me after that? To dumb myself down, to pawn my belongings, maybe quit my job, Botox my face? If we can get past the exterior then maybe we can all be happy in the end.


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