Signs of a Woman With Trust Issues | She's SINGLE Magazine
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Signs of a Woman With Trust Issues

by Danielle Wright & Lisa K. Stephenson

There are various causes for having trust issues, and it's not always what you think.

Image Credit: Klaus Vedfelt | Getty Images


Trust issues can originate from as far back as childhood. Perhaps your partner has developed abandonment issues, attachment issues, childhood trauma, and overall negative experiences with the opposite or same sex. It's not impossible to date someone with crippling anxiety or trust issues, but, of course, it has its challenges. As a romantic partner, a best friend, a soulmate, or even a platonic partner, it's your job to decide whether or not it's worth having this person in your life.


Today, we live in a society where instant gratification has become the central focus for many people and their relationships. The pain-pleasure principle developed by Sigmund Freud suggests that people make choices to avoid or decrease pain or make choices that create or increase pleasure. It’s no wonder many of us will flee at the first sign of emotional displeasure or a “red flag,” which sometimes is not a red flag. Due to this heightened belief system that every single thing we do must make us feel good 24/7, it has become almost impossible to have a healthy relationship.


Overconsumption, convenience, social media, and hustle culture are all factors that have contributed to our inability to see things through once we feel the slightest inconvenience. So, dating someone with trust issues who may go through your phone, contact you constantly, needs reassurance daily, and more can seem like more of an annoyance than love. It’s not convenient, it doesn’t make you feel good, it adds pressure on you to be a crutch in their lives, which ultimately leads to a breakdown in communication and the relationship as a whole.


All relationships require us to be healthy individuals first. What does that mean? Before you think about dating or entering into a relationship, you should consider the idea that you may not be ready for one. If you're dating someone with trust issues and cannot or refuse to leave, then it could be that your self-esteem is low.


Don't worry; I'll get to your partner in a minute. Love does not mean you have to struggle or fix the person you're with. Love is allowing your partner to be themselves, and it’s easy for you to be authentic around them too. Love is not having to be a crutch or a therapist for another able-bodied adult. Trust issues are their problem, not yours.


The pain-pleasure principle, when practiced correctly, means we can entertain things in moderation that make us feel good without over-indulging. You want a relationship where displeasure is moderate, not frequent. There should be a balance. Someone with trust issues is too far on one side of the negative experiences spectrum; the relationship cannot be healthy because that person has not healed from their trauma yet.

Related articles: Will I Ever Get Married?


SIGNS OF TRUST ISSUES

FEAR OF ABANDONMENT

Those who have experienced abandonment may find it hard to trust that people won’t leave them. So, they usually insist on tagging along with you everywhere you go or sharing every experience of their lives with you. This can lead to codependency, which then leans towards one person giving more than the other—unrequited love.


Perhaps this person feels that if they’re not spending every waking moment with you, then you will leave them or fall out of love with them, which is not how it works. Studies have shown that men love in a woman’s absence, while women love in a man’s presence. So, if you’re a woman finding it hard to leave your partner alone for even a day or week, then you’ve become so codependent on him that his presence is directly linked to your happiness.


With men, if you can go more than a week without seeing your partner, then it’s safe to say that you’re no longer fond of them. Three days is a healthy amount of time for partners to spend apart from each other before looking to reconnect. When you do reconnect, be present. Be in the moment.


REFERENCES TO CHILDHOOD/ CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

Childhood mistreatment is directly linked to mistrust. The more extreme the childhood maltreatment, the more severe the trust issues. Going through a traumatic experience as a child can no doubt shape who we are as adults. Before entering into any relationship, it’s important to have these conversations about childhood. Ask the woman about what it was like growing up, ask about her siblings, her relationship with her parents, ask her questions to help you get a better idea of whether or not she is going to require you to fill that void.


Social media has given way to misinformation on a grand scale. Men are now demonized for not wanting to spend their every waking moment with their partner—whether on the phone or in person. But what we fail to realize is that this is normal. A man choosing to enjoy his own company and do things on his own is a sign that he is not codependent on his partner; he is independent of them. Most women do not like men who are clingy, but they make an exception for themselves to be that way because they are women. This is unreasonable. It’s not your responsibility to fix her; it’s your responsibility to know when to walk away.


NEGATIVE EXPERIENCES

This is the most common. Sometimes, a woman can come from a healthy family dynamic, making her susceptible to mistreatment from the opposite sex. Most men take advantage of a woman's naivety by lying, cheating, gaslighting, using, and, put simply, treating her terribly. This, in turn, leads the woman to become guarded and unable to trust again. Negative experiences can lead women down a path of codependency and unrequited love. But again, it’s her responsibility, not yours.


If your intention is to further damage this woman, then you are simply not a good human being. You lack morals and are unethical. When a woman tells you about her past and the struggles that came along with it, that is not your sign to see if you can get away with the same or similar behaviors; rather, it’s your sign to want to give her a better experience. You want to be better than the person before, not worse.


Negative experiences will always lead an unhealed woman to want to be clingy, overly emotional, irrational, selfish, and incompetent. Many women link this type of behavior to being in their feminine energy, but it’s not; it’s toxic. Again, this is not your problem to fix; it’s hers.


ATTACHMENT ISSUES

Perhaps you’re trying to get closer to her, and she pulls away unexpectedly and is often withdrawn or sad; this could be a sign that she has attachment issues. Getting too close to someone will leave her feeling open to disappointment, so she avoids it. After many years in the sex and relationships sector, I’ve come to find that there are too many men and women walking around with attachment issues but calling it nonchalance. This is a mental disorder that should not be mislabeled and misdiagnosed. Again, social media is flooded with advice that is wrong and should only be taken with a grain of salt.


To identify an attachment style, you can take a quiz or read up on more information online from trusted resources like Mayo Clinic and Medical News Today. Identifying which attachment style your partner may have can help you better navigate your relationship or decide to leave. Some of us detach to focus on work or money; this is not a bad thing, but it gets problematic when you don’t communicate a reason for your actions.


Women with trust issues do not need to be in a relationship, and it’s not attractive for someone to have an attachment style, but it’s decorated as nonchalance or them wanting to be chased or pursued. We all should thrive to be in healthy romantic partnerships where things flow naturally.

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