by Danielle Wright
“There is no such thing as a bad communicator; he just doesn’t like you.” – Anonymous.
When we think of bad communicators, we think about people who have their phones on DND or those who use the excuse, “I replied in my head.” What does any of that even mean? To be fair, the older we get, the less noise we want to hear, so people over the age of thirty who choose to have their phones on DND are very much relatable and may not be seen as bad communicators. In the age of social media, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed with our thoughts and day-to-day activities.
Especially women with children or those of us who work very demanding jobs—being on the phone just isn’t that much of a priority. As we get older—post-college—we will find ourselves less interested in socializing unless it directly impacts us. For example, unless you’re actively dating, then sure, you’ll make more effort to communicate because you have a goal in mind—to get into a relationship.
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On the other hand, if that’s not your goal and someone approaches you to date, you may not be that enthusiastic about seeing them in a romantic way. There is nothing wrong with this, but if this is the case, then you should let the other person know, “Hey, thanks for showing interest in me, but I’m not really interested in dating anyone right now.” If any of the above applies to you, then it’s safe to say that you’re not bad at communication—you’re simply an adult.
Now, let’s say you are actively seeking a relationship or you are in one. Poor communication skills can develop over time as the relationship progresses, or worst-case scenario, bad communication was a problem from the beginning, but you chose to ignore the signs. The way things have shifted today, many people think that everyone is replaceable and that they no longer have to put effort into their relationships for them to last.
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Many men think that a 10/10 female is just one DM away, while many women believe that a six-figure earner who wants to buy her Lululemon, LUEQ, and Cartier is just one solo bar date away. All in all, everyone thinks that their preferences are simply everywhere, so when one preference misbehaves, another will magically appear. For men, this can hold some truth, but for women… not so much.
The average woman has to wait for a man to approach her, and sometimes that man is either physically unattractive and rich or physically attractive and broke—among a plethora of other things that may be considered red flags. The key to making a relationship last is to work on those communication skills. So, what constitutes poor communication when dating or in a relationship?
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Lack of Active Listening – One of my biggest pet peeves is people who interrupt others when they’re speaking. This is a clear indicator that the person who should be listening is not listening to engage; they are focused only on their response without processing what is being said and may end up missing important details.
The most beautiful conversations are those had between two people who are actively listening to one another. This is called dialogue. Interrupting someone while they are mid-thought is downright disrespectful. If you or your partner is doing this, then it’s time to sit them down and express that this is unacceptable behavior. Neither of you can hope to progress in the relationship if you’re not willing to listen to one another.
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Poor Clarity or Ambiguity – There are a number of men who are guilty of this, and when confronted about it, they act like it’s not an issue, citing things like, “I’m just not that talkative” or “I’m a nonchalant type of guy.” Neither of these types of men exists when he’s around a woman he likes or has a genuine interest in. Speaking in vague or unclear terms, using jargon, or not structuring ideas can confuse the listener.
This lack of clarity makes it hard for others to grasp the message and can easily lead to misunderstandings. Don’t get fooled or fall for the trap of having to decipher what someone is trying to say because the answer to your question is unclear. Confusion is a tactic that some men use to keep women at their disposal. The more confused she is, the more clarity she will need, or she will try to piece those answers together herself. When a woman likes or loves a man, those pieces will almost always be positive, making her more susceptible to mental and emotional abuse.
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Inability to Empathize – Good communication requires understanding others’ perspectives and emotions. Someone who struggles with empathy may come across as indifferent or disconnected, which can create emotional barriers and reduce effective dialogue. A great example of this can be found in an article I completed a few days ago, where I discussed privilege blindness in men when it comes to women’s safety.
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