Signs Your Relationship Is Ending

by Emily Somma

If your sex life has stalled or ground to a halt, and the fireworks between you and your spouse don't ignite anymore, you may think these are signs that your relationship is over. Some self-styled experts, such as counselor and life skills trainer Deepak Kashyap, would agree with you.

He includes a lack of physical intimacy in his list of 8 Secret Signs Your Relationship is About to End. But you won’t find agreement with veteran marriage and couples' expert, Dr. John Gottman, and his wife, Dr. Julia Schwartz Gottman. In twelve studies that spanned over twenty years, the two doctors tracked more than three thousand couples. The results of those studies might surprise you.

THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE RELATIONSHIP APOCALYPSE

Dr. John Gottman uses the biblical term The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as a metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to his research, can predict the end of a relationship with 90% accuracy. These styles are most noticeable during times of conflict. Each one is a marker that you are one step closer to an inevitable break-up unless the behaviors that feed the conflict and propel it forward change.

HORSEMAN 1: CRITICISM

Criticism comes across as an attack on someone's personality or character. We do it verbally by saying things like “You never do that,” or “You always do this.” When you use universal or broad-stroke terms like always or never, you leave no room for seeing those times when your partner does something good and vice versa. Unfortunately, the most common response to criticism is defensiveness, and this is the second horseman.

HORSEMAN 2: DEFENSIVENESS

When inundated by criticism, it’s common for people to put up their defenses to ward off the feeling of being attacked. You can think of defensiveness as a counter to criticism. In this negative way of interacting with your partner, defensiveness puts an extra spin into the disagreement. It’s you blaming him and him blaming you, while neither of you takes responsibility for your part in the battle. Tensions go up another notch, which brings the third horseman to your door.

HORSEMAN 3: CONTEMPT

Contempt is the third horseman. He manifests in the form of insults, eye-rolling, sarcasm, and an “I’m better than you” attitude that's rooted in judgment and intended to take your partner down a peg. If contempt is where you’re at in your relationship, or where your partner is at, then yes, you probably can start packing, or he can since contempt is the number one predictor of divorce or a couples-relationship ending prematurely.

But wait a minute. If you've tensed up because you're worried about your marriage, take deep, calming breaths. For those who aren't quite ready to call it quits, we'll look at the fourth horseman and afterward discuss whether there are any antidotes to these four clear signs that a relationship is about to end.

HORSEMAN 4: STONEWALLING

Stonewalling is the last horseman. It’s what happens when you or your partner feel hopeless about the situation and become so overwhelmed by your negative interactions that one or both of you withdraws to avoid conflict. The person who is stonewalling has checked out. Nothing can be resolved between the two of you now because you are on opposing sides.

If you’re sitting there saying, “Oh, yeah, that's me. I always criticize,” or “I stonewalled,” does that mean your marriage or romantic relationship is over? Not necessarily. By reading this article, you have already become more aware of the roles we tend to play in our arguments. Conflict is a normal part of healthy relationships.

How you deal with conflict in a relationship has a massive impact on the success or failure of love. When the Four Horsemen enter your conflict dialogue, it is a warning of serious problems in your communication. These issues destroy relationships, so the more you’re aware of them, the more you can do to help resolve them.

The Takeaway

What Dr. John Gottman discovered from more than 20-years of tracking couples is that those who stay together interact more positively with each other at a 5:1 ratio over those whose relationship falls apart. The good news is that there are antidotes for destructive communication styles. You can learn more about them by visiting Dr. Gottman’s website and reading the sources listed below.

Sources

“The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide ...”, n.d. Accessed June 8, 2021. https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718.

“What Makes Love Last? - Couples.” 2016. Gottman.Com. June 11, 2016. https://www.gottman.com/product/what-makes-love-last/.

“Silent Signs a Relationship Is Ending | Reader’s Digest Canada,” n.d. Accessed June 8, 2021. https://www.readersdigest.ca/health/relationships/signs-your-relationship-is-about-to-end/.