How to Avoid Being Derailed by a Significant Other

When we talk about a successful relationship, unconditional love, support, and understanding go without saying. A relationship doesn’t just involve two people in love; it involves continuous growth and compromise. But when this ongoing “compromise” leads to slowly losing ourselves, is it still a simple sacrifice for your loved one, or are we losing ourselves in the process of trying to save our relationship? It begins small—skipping a class or cancelling on friends.

But when that rare exception becomes your daily routine, that’s when the problem starts. You no longer make time for yourself because they have become your priority. Your favourite dress is now hidden at the back of your closet because they don’t like it on you. At first glance, it all feels so small and insignificant—just a dress, just a silly hobby, just a friend’s hangout. It doesn’t matter. Except, it does matter. Because you are not giving up something unimportant for someone important; you are losing yourself in the process of being with someone. You are getting derailed.

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But what does derailing look like? The textbook definition says it’s when we slowly start drifting away from who we are because of someone else’s influence—and most of the time, we don’t even realise it. We all make sacrifices in relationships, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But being with someone doesn’t mean forgetting yourself. There’s a difference between becoming a better version of yourself and becoming someone else entirely.

Imagine giving up your favourite hobby just because they think it’s a waste of time. At first, you do it a little less. Then, instead of spending time on it, you choose to spend time with them. Slowly, they take up all your time, and you don’t even notice it happening. And it’s not just the small things—your goals, your plans, your choices start to feel like they’re not yours anymore. It’s always “ours,” but in reality, it’s one-sided. You’re the one giving, bending, shifting. They just go with it. Maybe they even love you, but they’re not stopping you from disappearing. Love always comes with compromise. But if the compromise is always one-sided and starts asking for your entire identity, maybe it’s not love anymore. You have to ask yourself: Am I losing myself in the name of love?

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It’s important to know whether we’re making a small sacrifice for the sake of our relationship or if we’re getting derailed. So, how do you spot the difference? Imagine a career-driven person suddenly giving up their goals because their partner isn’t comfortable with their ambition. Shouldn’t partners be each other’s biggest supporters? Would you want your future kids to give up on their dream universities just because their partners can’t handle long distance? No? Then why are we okay with going through the same thing?

When our goals take a back seat, when we become versions of ourselves we don’t even recognise, when friendships start to fade, and all our time revolves around just one person—that’s not sacrifice, that’s getting derailed. And that’s when you need to hit pause and rethink.

While derailing is common in relationships, there are multiple reasons why it happens. No one plans to lose themselves while being in a relationship—it just happens gradually. Small sacrifices add up over time, leading to us losing our sense of self. And sometimes, we simply let it happen. It could be that we are afraid of confronting our significant others. It might be that we fear the disagreement that could take place. Or maybe we’re just scared of what that one disagreement might turn into. So, clearly, we are not entirely to blame for this.

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Does that mean our partners are to blame for derailing us? Not necessarily, because at times even they don’t know they are doing it. More often than not, partners are unaware of how their words affect us and to what extent. In the early stages of a relationship, a partner might make a tiny joke about your hobby, not knowing how much it affects you. In turn, you might stop talking to them about it—or worse, you might stop pursuing it altogether.

Sometimes, the derailing is caused by internal reasons. As seen in many cases, partners project their insecurities onto their significant others. Even so, whether the derailing is intentional or not, it’s important to protect our identity while being in a relationship.

Derailing can take place in all types of relationships, even the perfect, loving ones. So, how do we protect ourselves without jeopardising our happy, healthy relationships? The risk of derailing can be avoided from the very start by having a clear conversation about boundaries and expectations. A good talk can solve half the problems—but only if both people are open to honest communication and truly listen to each other. When it comes to being in love, it’s natural to want to spend all your time with your partner. Completely normal.

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You can spend all your free time with them without forgetting about yourself. All you have to do is make sure to save some me-time for yourself. Don’t lose sight of your dreams and goals. The right partner will let you fly like a free bird, not hold you down like a kite. Your passions, goals, and ambitions are part of who you are. Your partner doesn’t get to separate you from them.

Relationships are a significant part of our lives, but in the end, they are only a part of you. They don’t define who you are or what your goals are, and they don’t control you. Prioritising your relationship isn’t wrong, but it should never cost you your identity. Don’t forget your social circles, your family, and your friends the moment you enter a relationship. Love is not binding—it’s freeing. If a relationship starts to feel restrictive, communicate openly with your partner. Make them understand how you feel about their words and actions. Don’t hide your true feelings or emotions just to avoid small disagreements. Relationships grow through ups and downs. Be clear and firm about your boundaries, and don’t let your partner undermine them.

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If your partner can’t understand or respect your feelings and emotions, maybe it’s time to rethink the relationship. The right partner won’t leave you for being honest with them—they’ll be on your side. They’ll love you for who you are. And you should too. Be confident in yourself. Don’t let anyone influence you or derail you from your path. At the end of the day, loving yourself fully is the best way to be ready for a genuine, healthy love with someone else.

by Misthi Shrestha