The Rise of Single Women Living Alone: "Just Want to Be Musty In Peace"

“When it comes to single women living alone, or choosing solitude over a man and his PlayStation, all I can say is it’s about time more women caught on,” laughs author Lisa K. Stephenson. “Single and living alone for the past three years, I can say with confidence that I’ve always taken a firm stance on not living with a man. I value my peace far too much.”

Conversations have begun swirling online about single women choosing to live alone or opting for separate bedrooms from their partners, and the men, well, they aren’t too happy. Women are tired of performing, tired of the emotional and invisible labor that often comes with living with a man, and most of all, tired of feeling obligated to share their bodies simply because of a title. But let’s unpack this.

We spoke with our Missies, and a staggering 68% said they have never lived with a man and never will. Another 14% said they are still open to the idea but would prefer separate bedrooms or living quarters, such as his room downstairs and hers upstairs. The remaining Missies reported that they are currently living with a man but have begun rethinking their decision, citing shared bathrooms as the number one reason for their change of heart.

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“I remember when I was 23 and in a relationship. I would spend a lot of time at my boyfriend’s house, and right before he woke up every morning, I’d get up first and apply a light amount of concealer so I’d look prettier in the morning,” wrote Missie, Siobhan B.

This behavior is often referred to as performance anxiety, and studies show it is higher in unequal relationships than in solitude. According to psychology research, performance behavior increases in environments where women feel evaluated rather than safe. When a relationship is one-sided and women are expected to manage emotions, social presentation, and domestic harmony, stress levels rise significantly.

Some women have shared on social media that when living with a man, they cannot truly rest. Resting in a shared home is often perceived as lazy or unproductive. Unequal romantic relationships frequently show women taking on household labor and responsibilities by default. While a man may take out the trash when asked, this task is often brief and visible, unlike the ongoing mental labor women carry.

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Women shoulder the mental load, which means thinking not only for themselves but for everyone in the household. We’ve all seen the videos where content creators stop families on the street and ask fathers basic questions about their children while the mothers observe. Fathers often struggle to answer simple questions, from their children’s best friends to their teachers. While these details may seem trivial, they play a crucial role in building emotional connection between parent and child.

Research has consistently found that women in high-conflict relationships, emotionally unbalanced partnerships, or caretaking dynamics often experience elevated cortisol levels, anxiety, and sleep disruption. These stress responses are frequently labeled by men as nagging or emotional withdrawal. In reality, she is mentally exhausted. By contrast, women who live alone often report better sleep, greater emotional clarity, and stronger self-trust.

Women choosing to be single reflects a shift toward nervous system safety, not avoidance. This trend aligns with trauma-informed boundaries, secure self-attachment, and, for some, delayed partnering rather than a rejection of intimacy. It also connects to the rise of situationships. Men who prefer companionship over commitment are not avoiding physical intimacy; they are often enforcing unhealthy boundaries around responsibility.

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Men are expected to meet certain standards as well, including loyalty, physical effort, provision, and protection. Both genders are choosing peace over compromising their personal rhythms, yet it is only framed as a problem when women do it. From a psychological standpoint, perceived control over one’s environment is one of the strongest predictors of lower chronic stress. Women who live alone often report greater autonomy, fewer daily micro-conflicts, and reduced emotional labor.

Research in environmental psychology shows that unchosen obligation is what elevates cortisol levels. Many women experience bait-and-switch behavior or weaponized incompetence once they move in with a man. Before cohabitation, a man may cook, clean, and show consideration for her needs. After moving in together, those behaviors often change. Tasks are done poorly or incorrectly, creating a pattern where he is no longer asked to contribute. This leads to unchosen obligation, where women end up absorbing additional responsibilities rather than sharing them.

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Missie, Rhonda McNamara asks: When does weaponized incompetence begin in men, and is there a way to prevent it? Are there signs women should look for early on to determine whether a man will be a good partner to live with?

That is an important question. Psychologists, sociologists, and relationship researchers have studied this pattern for years, even before it entered mainstream conversation. Weaponized incompetence does not suddenly appear in adulthood. It is learned early and reinforced over time. It often begins in childhood and adolescence, when boys are less frequently required to perform domestic labor to the same standard as girls, and mistakes are excused with phrases like “boys will be boys.” Family systems also play a role, particularly when mothers redo tasks instead of insisting boys learn, and when fathers model avoidance of domestic or emotional labor.

As men enter adulthood, early relationships can reinforce this behavior. A partner may step in to help rather than allowing discomfort or failure, unintentionally rewarding incompetence with relief from responsibility. Over time, this becomes a strategy rather than a skill deficit. Put simply, if a man can learn his job, manage technology, and master hobbies, yet claims inability to clean, follow routines, or anticipate shared responsibilities, it is not incompetence. It is prioritization.

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Can weaponized incompetence be stopped? Yes, but only under certain conditions. A man must experience real consequences, and standards cannot be lowered to “keep the peace.” When emotional labor replaces accountability, or when a man benefits socially, financially, or emotionally from not changing, the behavior will continue. Women also need to stop labeling men who are competent at domestic duties as “having a little sugar in his tank” or making remarks that question a man’s sexual identity. These comments reinforce harmful stereotypes and can further discourage healthy, responsible behavior.

Early on, watch for trigger statements such as: “You’re more organized than I am,” “It’s not that serious,” “You’re better at it than I am,” or “I’m just bad at that sort of stuff,” especially when there is no effort to improve. These phrases signal expectation transfer. While they may seem harmless or even cute early in dating, over time they become draining. Fast forward a few decades and that same dynamic leaves women emotionally exhausted and warning others not to ignore the signs.

Protect your peace by allowing a man to be a human first, man second. Humans are responsible for taking care of themselves, and that responsibility should never be outsourced to a partner.

by Danielle Wright
TikTok Topic Inspo: Babytajjj