The Chair Theory Explained: Psychology Behind How Men Show Effort

This past weekend, I decided to binge some of my favorite musicals, one of which happens to be Chicago. Roxie Hart is seeking fame, fortune, and then, freedom. But how did we get here? Mate value signaling is a term used in psychology to describe the traits that indicate the value of a romantic partner. Simply put: we signal our value, consciously or unconsciously, through what we do, how we live, and who we choose to date/marry. This may include physical attractiveness, confidence, social status, emotional intelligence, network and influence, and so on. Every choice you make signals your mate value.

In the film, Roxie is married to Amos. However, she’s cheating on him because his mate value is low and she wants to be a star. Amos was willing to marry Roxie because she’s beautiful, and she was willing to marry Amos because marriage, as an institution, is a social status symbol. But as her needs change, the value of that status needs to increase, hence her desire for fame and the lengths she’s willing to go to achieve it. For women, dating up is about lifestyle access, protection and provision, ambition alignment, and resource stability. It’s about choosing a partner who expands her world instead of shrinking it.

Related articles: Why More Women Are Choosing Pets Over Romantic Relationships

Women, despite their success, cannot compensate for a mate with low value. She cannot protect him, stabilize him, make him disciplined, replace social status he does not have, or create ambition he lacks. A good example of this would be Nicki Minaj and her husband, Kenneth Petty. Her success cannot alter the way he is viewed by society, and it never will. But if it were the other way around, then yes. Dating down for women increases emotional labor: the planning, the motivating, the rescuing, the managing, and so on.

Life becomes heavier, not lighter, which increases cortisol and amplifies depression. High-value mates gain status by being the provider because it reinforces their identity. A high-value woman, however, loses status when she has to provide for an adult man. The modern takeaway is that a woman aligned with a man above her level signals high selectivity, which elevates her mate value. A man aligned with a woman below his level signals provider strength, which elevates his mate value.

Related articles: Why Lavender Marriages Are Trending: Women Say Heterosexual Men Don’t Feel Safe Anymore

A man’s interest in a woman is revealed by the effort he puts into building the chair she sits on, meaning how he shows up as a provider. If he wants her, he makes her life easier, stabilizes her emotional environment, and takes initiative. If he doesn’t, the chair stays wobbly and she keeps falling. In the case of Roxie and Amos, her chair kept falling. From a viewer’s standpoint, we might assume he loves his wife and wants the best for her, but the reality is he didn’t love Roxie.

He loved the comfort and status that having her gave him. He isn’t a man; he’s a man-child willing to avoid hard work, stay within his comfort, and hide behind the success of his woman, even if it means her cheating on him to elevate her career and him helping her get out of jail. His help was not rooted in love. It was rooted in social elevation for himself. “My wife is famous.” “My wife is a star.” “I am a supportive, loving husband to my very famous, very rich wife.” In the grand scheme of things, people would say she chose wrong and he chose right.

Related articles: What the Bird Theory Says About Love, Friendship, And Emotional Awareness

Investment theory means that a person with a high mate value invests more into relationships they view as long-term. This includes planning dates, fixing problems, helping, checking in, and generally building a strong chair. The quality of the chair reveals how much he perceives the woman’s value in his life. Stable effort means there is genuine attraction, while minimal effort means the relationship exists for convenience, not commitment.

The psychology behind this is that many men want a high-value mate without being one themselves. This theory isn’t really about him but about her and her standards. If she is a high-value mate, she will not ignore a wobbly chair. Wobbly chairs are built on inconsistency, breadcrumbing, convenience texting, hot and cold patterns, and the woman doing more of the emotional labor.

Women tend to stay with a wobbly chair when they are trauma bonded, biologically bonded through children, or holding onto hope over evidence. It’s common to hear women say, “He changed after we had a child,” or “He wasn’t like this when we first met.” The only solution to both scenarios is to leave and create strong, impenetrable boundaries. Men respect boundaries. Get some. Men have positioned themselves as the prize not solely due to financial status or intelligence but through scarcity and boundary setting. If a woman cheats on a man, he will not stay, he will not forgive, and he will not seek an amicable resolution or maintain any form of relationship.

Related articles: The Real Reason Some Men Prey on Successful Single Women: The Danish Deception Series

This is a hard boundary that many women do not wish to test, and it increases men’s value. Women with high selective standards are not mean. In fact, you probably rarely hear them speak most of the time, but their actions and their partners reflect who they are. A broke man will never be able to represent a high-level mate because nine times out of ten, she is not high-level herself. 

She may have low self-esteem, be desperate, or be male-centered. Men with low value prey on these types of women because they have no interest in working hard. They see themselves as the prize, the one who needs their woman to build a strong chair for them to sit on, and they have no problem taking that seat and telling her when it starts to get wobbly. She will then need to fix it, whether that means fixing her attitude, giving in to his sexual needs and fantasies, or more.

Final takeaway: a woman never falls when the chair is built correctly, and she should never be the one building anything.

by Danielle Wright & Lisa K. Stephenson