What the Bird Theory Says About Love, Friendship, And Emotional Awareness

Love and connection are a tale as old as time. Whether you've dated a few bad apples before meeting the love of your life, or whether you've been single for the entirety of your life, sooner or later the light bulb goes off for all of us when we realize we want a divine counterpart who will see us in our fullness, who will appreciate our weird quirks, someone who thinks our voice is the most beautiful instrument even on days we don't have much to say, or even if we're doing something as simple as pointing out a beautiful hummingbird who's flying south for the winter.

According to TikTok's latest buzz, how your partner responds to you pointing out a beautiful hummingbird will tell you everything you need to know. Now, even if your partner has no interest in birds or doesn't find the bird to be the most profound thing they've ever laid eyes on, does that mean they shouldn't engage with a topic you find interesting? The Bird Theory has taken TikTok by storm, forcing us all to take a closer look at love and connection.

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Whether consciously or subconsciously, we are constantly seeking attention and connection from our partner. In a strong relationship, your partner will reward your interest in them by engaging with you and may even become enamored when you light up over something you find interesting. In relationships that tend to lack depth and substance, you may notice your partner is very dismissive or ignores any bids for attention that you display. According to John Gottman, who founded and studied this theory, if your partner turns toward you when you say that you saw a bird and actually engages with genuine curiosity, you have the necessary foundation for a long-lasting relationship.

If your partner does not turn toward you, you are more likely to experience a short-lived love affair. Gottman's research on newlyweds shows that couples who withstand the test of time turn toward each other 86% of the time, and couples who ignore one another's bids for attention 50–80% of the time are very likely headed for divorce. Furthermore, the couples who eventually split only turn toward one another 33% of the time. TikTok user Emily, LCSW even expands on the Bird Theory and how it can apply to any form of love and attention.

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If your child is constantly trying to get your attention and you can't take a second to engage and honor their need for it, what does this say about you and how you handle love and connection? What does it say about your emotional state when you continually ignore connection with others, especially with your loved ones? If you are consistently dismissive or ignore a loved one’s plea for attention, it can be interpreted as you not caring or being disinterested in the connection.

It may even result in your loved ones distancing themselves from you and seeking connection elsewhere. To feel whole and seen in any relationship, there must be engagement and genuine interest. If you truly can’t find the will to care, it may be time to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself about who you are and what you want. Going through life disengaged and disinterested can be isolating and may take a toll on your mental health. Sometimes we realize that we need separation and a fresh start.

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Perhaps you once thought your partner was the love of your life, and over time, you’ve come to realize that you and your partner no longer share the same interests or connection you once did. It is better to release someone than to hold onto something that no longer serves either of you. The same goes for friendships. As people, we are constantly growing and evolving. Not everyone accompanies us through every season of life. It is necessary to recognize when disinterest has taken root and produced rotten fruit in your connection. It is okay to prune your tree and start over, but communication is everything. Communication is a necessary part of any relationship or connection. If you are feeling abruptly disinterested or disengaged, the best approach is to communicate these emotions and thoughts in a way that is both intellectually and emotionally safe for everyone involved.

However, there is another side of the spectrum in which you may be turning away and disengaging not because of a lack of interest, but because of your own silent battles. When we face uphill battles such as depression, anxiety, grief, or sudden life changes, it can affect our closest relationships. Sometimes we need to take a step back and identify anything that may be disrupting our personality or the way we interact with others. Psychological research shows that how we treat others is often a direct reflection of how we feel about ourselves. If we are disengaged and disinterested in what our loved ones have to say, the question becomes how much attention and self-love we are giving ourselves, and whether we are genuinely interested in the life we are building.

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Favorable treatment toward others reflects kindness and respect, which is linked to high self-worth. Treating others negatively reflects insecurities or even self-loathing and may signal a deeper issue. Psychological studies on prosocial behavior show that treating others well can lead to more positive behavior toward oneself. Overall, the Bird Theory is a call to action to reflect not only on our relationships with others, but also on the most essential relationship we build with ourselves. To show up for others, we must first learn to love and trust ourselves. We can actively decide how we want to show up in the world, and we can become the person we want to see standing on the other side of the mirror.

by Trinity Battle
Image Credit: Tatiana Maksimova