Signs You're in a Codependent Relationship

by Haleigh Couture

Do you feel as though your relationship is all-consuming? Not in the sense that you are madly in love, but that you have become your relationship entirely; your identity, mood, and happiness are overly dependent on how your relationship functions. Sound familiar? You may be involved in a codependent relationship.

HERE ARE SOME TELL-TALE SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN A CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP:

According to Sharon Martin, a licensed psychotherapist and codependency expert, codependent relationships prevent a healthy balance in that the needs of both partners as individuals are not being sufficiently met or satisfied. These needs become suppressed by the following all-consuming traits & behaviors.

The following are signs of a codependent relationship according to Martin:

The codependent partner may feel overwhelmed in that they are overly and constantly concerned about their partner’s well-being and feelings. They feel as though something must be ‘fixed’ or responsible to provide a remedy of some sort to solve their partner’s issues.
You feel the need to sacrifice yourself for this relationship—this can become incredibly toxic to the point in which you no longer register your own emotions or needs.
Your world begins to revolve around pleasing your partner. This is a borderline obsessive issue that can cause harm to your energy, time, values, emotions, etc.,
You may grow resentful towards your partner or others. Aggressive moods and tendencies can often stem from codependent behavior.
Becoming a control freak; trying to control your partner's behavior and situations.
You have a fear of abandonment and rejection.
Unfulfillment in your life—you feel like you are taken advantage of but at the same time, guilt fills you if you don’t sacrifice yourself to please others or your partner.
One-sided relationship—you’re the enabler by allowing your partner to have limited responsibilities. You may feel as if you carry all the weight in the relationship.
You feel inclined to continue this toxic relationship, well past the breaking point.

HOW DO BOTH PARTNERS FUNCTION IN A CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP?

According to Jodie Milton, a relationship and intimacy coach, every relationship has some level of dependency. It is natural to consult with your significant other for final approval on a major life decision or to look to them for support. However, Milton stresses the importance of recognizing the difference between healthy dependency behaviors and those demonstrated in a co-dependent relationship.

“The term ‘codependency’ has come to refer exclusively to an unhealthy relationship dynamic where you’ve lost your sense of autonomy in a relationship, and where your thinking and behavior become dominated by your concerns about your partner,” said Milton. There are two distinct roles in the relationship; the codependent person (the one entirely dependent) and the enabler (the one who promotes and allows for this behavior to continue). “It creates a cycle of codependency where each person needs the other to fulfill their role in the relationship,” said Milton.

IS THERE ANY SENSE OF INDIVIDUALISM ANYMORE?

The root of codependency stems from a lack of individualism—so, in short, no. As a result of this absence, the dynamic between couples can fester into a very hostile, toxic relationship. Clinginess and negative behaviors can begin to develop, especially if the relationship starts to show noticeable signs of one partner pulling away.

“In a codependent relationship, each person gains their sense of self-worth from the other,” said Milton.

“The codependent partner gets their self-worth from the approval and affection of the enabler, while the enabler gets their self-worth from being needed. [However], there is still a sense of individualism within a codependent relationship. The other person is still able to have their own unique thoughts, feelings, and desires - it’s just that they can become confused about what to prioritize, especially when under a strong influence of the other person.”

CAN THE RELATIONSHIP BECOME UNHEALTHY OR TOXIC BECAUSE OF THE CODEPENDENCY THAT EXISTS?

Yes, absolutely. When your self-worth is reliant or dependent on someone else’s perception of you, it’s pretty obvious that isn’t healthy. The only approval you should need in life is your own. Now, I am not saying that you shouldn’t seek approval or support from your partner because that would be incredibly selfish if you never did. I’m saying that your self-worth and self-acceptance as a person and an individual does not derive from anyone else but you—remember that.

IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE TO HAVE A HEALTHY CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP?

According to Milton, by definition, - no.

“‘Healthy codependency’ is more accurately termed interdependence—where you’re two autonomous people who depend on each other in a variety of ways,” said Milton. “Interdependence involves two people who are open to influence from one another, even while having a strong sense of who they are and what they want, and can prioritize their own wellbeing at the same time as the wellbeing of the relationship.”

So, unlike interdependence, codependency is far more burdensome and draining for a relationship. Often, the weight isn’t evenly distributed between partners and the relationship is one-sided. You quite literally rely on the other to keep you both in this perpetual state of suffocating toxicity.

Overall, recognizing the signs of codependency can become quite difficult. There is no official diagnosis, but there are signs. Relationships do involve a lot of give and take and compromises are often necessary. However, it’s important to note that codependent relationships manifest traits & behaviors of toxicity.

In any relationship, you have to love yourself before you can genuinely love another. The main distinction between a dependent and codependent relationship stems from individualism. This kind of relationship operates in a very dysfunctional way. A relationship cannot thrive when one partner’s happiness and satisfaction depend entirely on the actions and emotions of the other.

A relationship is meant to build you both simultaneously in a manner that promotes positive growth. The best relationships are those in which you both complement each other but don’t need each other to feel complete. Your safe haven shouldn’t make you feel unfulfilled. Don’t seek to be in a relationship merely because you can’t deal with yourself or your problems on your own.

Make time to work on yourself before you enter any relationship. Whether your relationship is platonic or romantic, understand that codependency can exist in any form of a union. So, take the necessary time to understand your needs and wants. Understand your authentic self. It starts with you - the individual.