How to Get Along With Your Spouse

June 5, 2024

It may come as a surprise, but there are many married couples who simply cannot get along with one another.

Women complain of their husbands' weaponized incompetence, and men complain that their wives spend too much or don’t contribute enough to the household. So, the question remains: who is right and who is wrong? Both. Marriage is the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship. Typically, when two people decide to get married, it’s because they love each other. However, studies show that unless a couple is at least definitely engaged before they move in together, the relationship is at risk of falling apart.

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This is because couples who are engaged or married before living together have higher levels of trust in one another than those who are not, making them more tolerant of their partner's unfavorable behaviors. When spouses start to not get along, it’s usually due to an underlying problem that has not been resolved in the relationship. Perhaps there was some past infidelity, financial issues, lack of sex, lack of romance, or bad communication—the list can go on.

Unlike a couple who is simply cohabitating, the pent-up aggression and resentment are harder to shake or escape from—when you’re married, there are a series of obstacles you have to go through before becoming legally divorced. This can cause a further rip in your finances, strain your relationship with your children, and so much more. This leaves couples to ponder, “Well, if I stay, maybe things can get easier,” but this is not always the solution.

POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND SOLUTIONS

Communication is always the solution in most cases, but just telling someone what you like or dislike is not communicating; in fact, it’s barely scratching the surface. Communication involves listening and problem-solving—both of which may lead to a mutual decision to split. Many couples enter marriage with high expectations for their partner: a husband may expect that since he is the primary breadwinner, his spouse should have sex, cook, clean, and raise the kids without complaint.

Meanwhile, the wife may believe that since she is to handle the domestic labor, the husband’s sole responsibility is to offer emotional and financial assistance with some contribution to the domestic labor. These unrealistic expectations from each other will almost always lead to disappointment on both sides.

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The only way to resolve this is to find common ground that works for you both—maybe your husband can change his work hours so he is able to take the children to school, and you can pick them up. Maybe your husband can handle the nighttime routine with the children while you handle lunch and dinner. It’s important to outline a game plan, especially when you have children.

"Sex and the City" is a great example of how unrealistic expectations can lead to a breakdown in a marriage, even if you do not have children. Carrie and Big finally got their happy ending, but in the movie, Carrie realized she wanted a grandiose wedding with all the bells and whistles, something Big had given to his first wife and second wife, Natasha.

But with Carrie, he expected her to have lower expectations despite the fact that, out of all of Big’s wives, Carrie was the socialite. Go figure! He did this because (1) Carrie was not his game changer, a.k.a. first choice; he wanted her because she wanted him, and he did not want to end up alone. (2) Carrie did not fit well into his image.

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While Big was just hoping that they could live in a nice house and she would just love him, she expected him to attend events, be out on the town, dine out regularly, and do the things she was used to. But from the very beginning, Big was always reserved when it came to Carrie—he didn’t even want her meeting his mother. Emotionally, there was a big disconnect, and yet she loved him enough for the both of them.

Oftentimes, a woman will see marriage as the end goal, whereas men will see it (and relationships) as a transaction.

He gives you something to get something. In the case of Big and Carrie, he gave her his loyalty, money, and marriage in exchange for her companionship—but that was not enough for her, since she saw him as the end goal, the one to love her forever, be her best friend, and more, roles he could not and had no interest in filling. Usually, by the time spouses reach a divide of resentment, it’s because the fairytale dust has settled and one or both of you have come to realize that the transactional portion of the marriage is not what you signed up for—you want love.

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Make no mistake, however, emotions drive our financial decisions. Have you ever dated a man who was stingy or cheap and treated you terribly? Well, it’s simply because he did not like you as much as you may have thought he did. Just because a man makes the decision to marry you, it doesn’t mean he’s in love with you; it could mean that you are the one in front of him when he’s ready to settle down. But he’ll forever think about the one who got away. Next thing you know, you’re quarreling over silly things, and instead of trying to find a resolution, you’re both just wallowing in your misery, afraid to pull the plug.

THE SOLUTION

The best way to get along with your spouse is by first learning what is causing you to resent them in the first place. This could be any of the following:

Differences in Values and Beliefs
Financial Stress
Infidelity and Trust Issues
Lack of Intimacy
Unresolved Conflict
Different Life Goals
Stress and External Problems
Personality Clashes
Household Responsibilities
Parenting Differences
Lack of Quality Time
Emotional Disconnect
Control and Dominance Issues

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Whatever the reason, you need to be able to identify it and then decide whether your marriage was built on love or if it’s just transactional. There are always signs that you are in a transactional relationship or union. Your partner does not do anything for you that they know will make you happy unless you do something for them first, or they expect something in return immediately after doing something for you.

Lastly, if you lose your job or cannot afford something any longer, they are ready to jump ship. Either way, if that’s not something you are comfortable with, then you need to find the right place and time to voice your concerns and propose a solution. Getting along with your spouse does not mean sweeping things under the rug or pushing something off to the side; it means taking control and making yourself a priority.

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I really hope this article helps, and please be sure to share.

by Danielle Wright

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