Why Lavender Marriages Are Trending: Women Say Heterosexual Men Don’t Feel Safe Anymore

Could this be the end of an era? A woman posted a video to her social media of her husband completing a compilation of renovations around their marital home. The caption read, “So glad I didn’t marry the man who liked to post his OOTD,” and the comments… well… the ladies were agreeing. “Or the GRWM boys,” and “I love this for you sis. Men don’t build anything anymore.” This video had me thinking about the time I was dating a guy who would often post a photo and tag Fashion Nova Men. I guess in his mind he thought he was important enough for a brand deal. But then one day I asked him if he owned a toolbox, and his response was, “No, but I think my dad does.” What happened to the men?

First, let’s talk about visibility bias. If we’re just talking about social media, it’s safe to say that “most men” are not operating in their feminine energy—it's simply the loudest 2–5% dominating the feed. Quiet, masculine, grounded men don’t go viral; dramatic ones do. Next, the economy. Many years ago, starter homes were accessible and something we could all look forward to, and now that dream is long gone. The starter home came with a wife, kids, and periodic home repairs, which pushed men to learn a trade or shell out hundreds or thousands for simple fixes. Physical, mechanical, or trade skills are less common because society pushed white-collar jobs as the default. Schools deprioritized hands-on trades.

In a nutshell, the concept of learning a trade was removed from the school system, and the concept of owning a starter home was removed from our reality. All in all, men no longer have a need or incentive to learn to fix anything. In 2025, the internet rewards judgment and ego, not fathers, mentors, uncles, and hands-on male figures. Because of this, many women are now contemplating a lavender marriage.

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A lavender marriage is a marriage between a man and a woman in which one or both partners are not heterosexual. The marriage is formed for social, financial, or, in some cases, political protection—not for a romantic or sexual relationship. During Hollywood’s Golden Age (1920s to 1950s), actors married to avoid scandal, protect secrets, and maintain “family-friendly” public images. There were also periods when homosexuality was criminalized or socially dangerous, which meant marrying someone of the opposite gender offered protection.

Fast forward to 2025, and men and women have collectively thrown in the towel when it comes to dating—not because love is impossible or no longer exists, but because it has become elusive. Women want to fall in love with a man who can protect and provide. Men want to fall in love with a woman who is feminine, dainty, kind, and nurturing. But if women are withholding nurturement from poor men, and poor men are withholding resources until she accepts a “Netflix and chill” date, it seems we’re at a standstill. As a result of women feeling lonely, unsafe, overwhelmed by emotional labor, hearing married women warn against marriage, and seeing statistics showing single women often outlive married women, conversations around lavender marriages are starting to rise.

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No, the pandemic from 2020 to 2021 did not kill relationships. It did, however, reveal how open many women were to low-effort dates and planning. Men saw this not only as a response to a global crisis but also as a reason to scale back their efforts and hold on to their resources until they meet their ideal woman.

In the past, men always had a “dream girl” in mind—his type, a woman who fit a certain aesthetic. Before social media, he determined this based on proximity. Now, social media has opened the floodgates, and his type can shift from the girl next door to Bernice Burgos overnight. His goal is to work and change his environment to change his options, increasing his proximity to the women he finds attractive. And with social media, this change can happen rapidly. Men aren’t joining podcasts or standing on stage alongside Metro Boomin in clubs to be seen by other men; they’re doing it to boost their social status, which increases their chances of getting closer to the type of women they desire.

Back in the day, men were not chasing Instagram women they had never spoken to. They were chasing the fine, mysterious girl in their neighborhood—the one who barely spoke, kept her head down, and smiled. That was it. That’s all it took. Now, men are challenging the women in close proximity to them with questions such as, “What do you bring to the table besides your looks?” “How can you benefit my life?” and “What do you do for work?” These questions are designed to give men a reason to like you because they are not already attracted to you. They want their attraction to grow, and now you are responsible for making that happen. Women are seeing this shift play out in real time and realizing that many of us simply cannot compete with the fantasy of Instagram models and the women on OnlyFans.

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Many women have discussed lavender marriages as a way to avoid dating straight men whom they feel aren’t emotionally mature. Other major concerns include domestic labor imbalance, emotional or physical risk—one woman or girl is killed every 10 minutes by an intimate partner or family member—patriarchal pressure, and pressured intimacy. One woman recently went viral on TikTok for saying she remains single because she does not want to have sex with a man. She clarified that she is not homosexual or part of the LGBTQ+ community, but that the thought of a heterosexual man repulses her. This is no longer uncommon, and as for myself—now three years celibate—these have been the best years of my life.

Sex is not just intimacy filled with moaning and groaning. It is an energy transfer. You may notice your skin breaking out, hair falling out, feeling drained or low vibrational. These can all be the result of sexual intercourse with a heterosexual man. Our bodies can reject someone long before our hearts do. So, if you find yourself no longer wanting intimacy with a heterosexual man, consider it your body’s way of telling you it feels safer, cleaner, and healthier. And this, ladies, is why community building among ourselves is so important. Heterosexual men don’t have to be the end-all be-all.

by Danielle Wright