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How to Stop Seeking Validation From Guys

by Danielle Wright

Tom did it! Do you remember the days of Myspace? The social media website was launched on August 1, 2003, and became the first social network to reach a global audience, and had a significant influence on technology, pop culture and music. We were coding to create our profiles and didn’t even know it. Do you know what else you may not know? It was the first time we began seeking validation from others in the online universe. Yep.


Then ushered in Facebook, in May 2009 surpassing Myspace in its number of unique U.S. visitors. Since then the number of Myspace users has declined steadily despite several redesigns. Facebook reached much success due to its ability to satiate our human desire for esteem and love/belonging. That little thumb changed the world and what we have today is a result of its invention. Now, we all seek and crave validation. We want to be liked so badly, fitting into the conventional beauty type that we feel lost almost.


If the guy we like doesn’t ‘like’ our photo it could feel like the end of the world. But how do you stop? How do you pump the breaks on the need to feel validated by strangers daily? These are some of the questions we will look to answer today.


Our need for belonging and companionship has grown exponentially in the past few years because there is a steady decline in human face-to-face interaction, an increase in mental illness, and a new meaning to achieving self-actualization. Most commonly situationships have been on the rise.

According to Resilience Coach Sofia Souiri, “Technically speaking a situationship is ultimately a relationship without commitment. This arrangement allows individuals to experience the benefits of being single as well as being in a relationship simultaneously. A situationship has pros and cons and it is crucial to define our expectations. There can be a huge impact on mental health wanting more.”


Situationships temporarily satiate our need for validation but can be detrimental to our mental health. If you’re seeking validation disguised as a situationship it is best to rethink your motivations. If you’re posting a photo to receive lots of likes aka being validated, it is time to rethink your motivations.



Are you interested in gaining lots of media attention tied to the potential of earning revenue? Is your motivation for a situationship to have companionship while you work towards your goals and not have to deal with the obligations of a relationship? The answers start and end with you. Why are you doing the things you’re doing, what do you hope the outcome will be?

Seeking validation from guys can also be that you are seeking more than just a ‘thumbs up’ or a ‘heart’ on your image. It could be that you need your feelings, beliefs, choices, and values validated as well. This is common in connections with men because women want to feel wanted so we conform to their beliefs hoping for a favorable result.


“Because women are taught to overvalue relationships, they sometimes engage in de-selfing to get into a relationship. A woman’s worthiness is sometimes tied to the relationship whether it’s what she truly wants or it’s safe,” says Odile McKenzie, LCSW. “Humans are also deeply wired for connection which sometimes makes loneliness hard to tolerate.”


During this period of isolation, you’re more likely to spend an unhealthy amount of time on social media comparing yourself to others, uploading images for validation, and engaging in conversation with someone who may not meet your standards. In time lowering your values and self-worth to feed into this basic human need—a need to belong, to be loved.

If your goal is to get rid of your need for external validation from guys you will first need to internalize that you do not necessarily need to pursue what is expected of you. For instance, just because you have a social media account does not mean you are obligated to be active and post images or videos. You can use it for educational purposes as well.


In courtship, just because a man says he likes you and wants to take you out to dinner does not mean you have to go if the attraction is not mutual. Just because a man you like says he’s not ready for a relationship does not mean you have to get into a situationship with him to satisfy his desires. You do not need a man or a reaction from social media to tell you that you are enough or that you are valued.

Think of the herd instinct—this is where you’re influenced by your peers and are fearful of conflicting with your surroundings. So you let your inner voice drown and give in to the conditioning. Your motivations should be human-centered versus animal-centered.


VALIDATING YOURSELF.

Whether it's on social media or in relationships with men. When you do not rely on extrinsic validation you are attentive to actions that move your relationship or career forward in a direction that you are comfortable with. Motivational theory is not synonymous with behavior theory.


Behavior is almost always motivated, it is almost always biologically, culturally, and situationally determined as well. To help shape your mind and world to a place where you feel comfortable being yourself, you should consider changing your surroundings and shifting your mindset. You are enough and the validation of others—especially men is not a driving force in your overall decision-making.


Finding your true self and staying true to who you are in a world where social media and algorithms are rapidly changing the way we interact can be daunting. But this is not an impossible feat. Lean on friends and family for support, disconnect for a while, and enjoy the world around you. There is so much to see, learn and experience.

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