Why Do Guys Go Back to their Ex-Girlfriends After a Breakup?

by Kayla McCullough

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Sometimes in life, there will be times when you will catch yourself spending a little too much time wondering why the person you cared for so deeply, and of whom you gave so much of yourself to, has returned to someone who once mistreated them. It doesn’t matter if this person is a friend, boyfriend, husband, or simply an acquaintance that you got to know a little too well in a bar, the tinge of pain still erupts when you think of them leaving you for the person who gave so little in comparison. It’s in times like this that we forget the one thing we truly need to do to get to the bottom of why they broke your heart – the one true place that was a safe haven – and went back to the very thing that destroyed them in the beginning. But the answer is simple, however insignificant and mundane it may seem at the time, the one thing that will provide all of the answers to the questions that we ask is this: we forget to empathize and truly connect to what they were missing in the relationship. It’s times like these when we are hurt, all we can remember is the emotions that we, ourselves, are feeling and of course, the unprecedented time it took to mend their broken heart. We remember their hurt, their story, and what we did to restore them. In the end, it appears that the person who tried to escape pain, has ultimately gone back to pain and we are left wondering what the hell was wrong with us from the beginning.

He went back to his toxic ex.

In all honesty, playing the comparison game is a sure-fire way to destroy your confidence. When you do this, you begin to judge yourself inadequately against your imagination and when this happens, so many other things are bound to come crawling out of hibernation. Instead of wondering what you did wrong and coming up with hundreds of reasons as to why he should have stayed, stop and take a moment to think back to abusive relationships. Remember that a majority of people who leave them ultimately cave and go back - no matter how difficult and emotionally draining it may seem. This is because the abuser is seen as a drug. The relationship that they were in, was feeding a source of limiting beliefs and unconscious behaviors that kept them from wanting to continue to grow in themselves and a relationship.

Of course, it’s terrible that they would have wanted to go back to something that would want to keep them small and potentially wound them for eternity, but we forget to connect to the trauma that they’ve gone through. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging how you feel and recognizing your true needs and desires, but take a moment to imagine this: that if you were allowed to undress your emotions and be honest with yourself, your true mission in the relationship was probably not as authentic as it may seem. Because in all honesty, a person who has to be mended by someone else to love again, was never really available, to begin with.

He went back to a baby mama.

Okay, if I’m being honest, this subject makes my head hurt a little simply because I can’t even begin to imagine how stressful being in a relationship with a man who has baby mama drama must be. However, I do have friends who have successful stories of making a relationship like this work. So, I’m going to say this once: there doesn’t have to be drama if everyone sticks to the script. In a scenario like this, everyone has a role to play, and everyone has lines they should not cross. If you are dating a man with a child, you should know that some men have strong connections to their baby mamas. And honestly, the sheer fact that they had a child with this woman should give you an indication of the special bond that they share. If your man is having trouble breaking away from his baby mama, you have to let him go. Set some boundaries about what kind of behavior is acceptable and if your man crosses the line, take a hard stance. At the same time, you have to find that balance and understand that your man is always going to have a special bond with his baby mama. Some men do it because of the child, some do it because they feel guilty, but most do it because they still love them. So, before you go into a relationship with a man who already owns his own version of The Life of the American Teenager, ask yourself what your true motives are in the relationship and have a conversation with him.


He went back to his wife.

As emotionally painful as it may seem, this was probably a blessing in disguise. If your ex went back to his wife, then the truth is that his heart never left her. Of course, that does not mean that he didn’t care for you. All it means was that he couldn’t commit in the way you needed him to.

It hurts when we see them leave and go back to someone else. It hurts, not just because we don’t want to see them hurt again, but because you’ve also just experienced a major loss of your own. Sure, it may seem easy to blame their leaving on yourself, but it’s much more fulfilling to understand the situation for what it truly was – a learning experience for both parties.

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