What Is Reactive Abuse?

What Is Reactive Abuse?

Did you know that provoking someone to elicit a response from them—whether positive or negative—is considered abuse?

Reactive abuse, to be exact. The term reactive abuse refers to a situation in a toxic or abusive relationship where the victim, after enduring prolonged abuse (emotional, psychological, or physical), reacts in an aggressive or confrontational way. This reaction is often used by the abuser to further manipulate the situation and portray the victim as the aggressor, thus justifying their own abusive behavior or deflecting responsibility.

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Never let them see you at your lowest, and always remember, “Staying calm is your greatest superpower; in the stillness of your composure lies the strength to navigate any storm.”

Lisa K. Stephenson, Author of The Snows of Khione.

There are a few relationship dynamics where this kind of abuse can manifest itself—landlord-tenant relationships, romantic relationships, and family relationships, to name a few. We are often conditioned by our abusers early on, but many of us are oblivious to it, especially when the relationship is romantic. For instance, in a couple who starts dating, you might notice one person, typically the man, practicing what is known as the bait and switch.

At first, it is subtle because the person will text you each morning and call you each night, building a routine that releases a dopamine hit for you, especially if you like the person. More often than not, this person will make it their priority to get in touch with you so that you become accustomed to a routine. Once they know you are accustomed to this routine, they will slowly start to pull back their energy and give it to you at various times throughout the day.

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This lowers your dopamine levels and increases your anxiety. Anxiety triggers can lead to trauma bonding. When men advise one another to ‘keep her on her toes,’ it is another form of abuse because this triggers a woman’s attachment style. This will leave them dependent on that man to influence their mood and emotions. Once you find that you are growing anxious waiting for a man to reply on more than one occasion, it is time to walk away before it grows into something deeper and darker.

ABUSED WOMEN CAN’T KEEP FRIENDS...

What Is Reactive Abuse?

Have you ever been out with a friend who just had an argument with her partner or whose partner is ghosting her, and she’s using you as a distraction from it all? Well, sometimes this can backfire, and when she’s intoxicated or dissociates, this can lead to an argument with you or other close friends. Their anger is misplaced because the person they are really upset with is not there for them to vent their frustrations.

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Additionally, most women do not want to look crazy or unstable in the eyes of the man they love, but will risk appearing this way towards their friends. It’s not that most women can’t keep friends; most women in toxic relationships who have unhealed trauma wounds cannot keep friends. Women are more likely to take the anger and frustration they have toward a man out on a girlfriend, whereas most men will find an outlet in either substance abuse, their partner (physical abuse), or being promiscuous. It is very seldom that a man’s emotions towards his partner will be reflected in his actions towards his friends (hence most men can retain their friendships).

Once a man is convinced that your mood is dependent on his actions, he will use this to his advantage. When he wants something, he can treat you well, butter you up, and get what he wants. When he’s not interested in having you around, he can simply go about his day without a care in the world about how you are being affected. This leads to reactive abuse because, during this cycle, the abuser repeatedly insults or gaslights you, using your behavior as a reason to further pull away, cheat, or blame you for the problems in the relationship.

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Once you accept this blame, he is free to be lackluster, and now even the bare minimum is gone. The problem is not that men are no longer using this tactic to manipulate women; the problem is they’re in too much of a hurry now to put it into practice. I’ve seen many videos of women sharing texts from men who have ghosted them for 3 days to as long as 3 weeks.

This is to trigger their attachment style to start the process of manipulation and abuse. But the women are not going for it now. However, here’s the interesting part: women are not being fooled by this, not for the reason one would think, but simply because women want to be courted. They are not associating this behavior with abuse; they are associating it with the bare minimum or mistreatment during the courting stage. Either way, it’s good that it’s being recognized as something unfavorable.

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DEALING WITH REACTIVE ABUSE

What Is Reactive Abuse?

Recognize the Signs – The first step in dealing with reactive abuse is recognizing what it is, when it’s happening, and noting your emotions during this time. Once you have a clear understanding of what it is and how it works, you are already off to a great start.

Validate Your Feelings – One of the many ways an abuser can get away with this type of treatment is that the victim will often chase them for validation. This validation could be in the form of needing to be understood during an argument or wanting the abuser to acknowledge their actions and the toll it’s taking on both you and the relationship.

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When this happens, just know that their actions are not accidental; it is on purpose and is to get you into a position where you feel helpless and are therefore easier to control. Validate your own feelings by reading articles such as this one, talking to a professional, and even talking to close friends. Friends and family will always support you during this time, but what they will grow tired of is when you do not make a change. So, if you’re going to lean on them for support, be prepared to leave and do not become a repeat offender.

Seek Support – When dealing with an abuser, it is very important to learn how to practice mindfulness and keep yourself grounded. If you feel yourself on the brink of overreacting, do not try to justify it as "crashing out" because all of the "cool kids" are doing it. Keep a level head and be prepared to walk away if need be. Do not get yourself into a situation with an abuser that you cannot escape from.

If you and this person live together and you absolutely need to get them out, consider documenting the abuse via text. Once they threaten you, go to the police and file a report. After that, wait a few more days. If your partner is aggressive, take a frozen bag of vegetables from the freezer, hit yourself in the arm, and call the authorities.

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Once they arrive, they will most likely take him to jail. The very next day—as early as possible—go to the courthouse and file for an order of protection, showing the judge your arm. Once you have that, return home, and if your partner comes back, call the police, show them the order, and he will not be allowed in your home anymore—or anywhere near you for that matter.

Control Your Emotions – This is by far the most important way to deal with reactive abuse. While this person may be using all types of tactics to control, manipulate, and mentally harm you, you have to stay calm and vigilant. The only person who loses the battle is the person who becomes unhinged the fastest. This is why, for most men, when a woman "crashes out," he can immediately see that she is broken and therefore easier to control and will not leave him.

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She will stay until she is pushed away. It’s an easy way to drain someone of their resources and vitality without having to lift a finger, and in this case, it becomes easier to absolve themselves of any problems or misunderstandings. Limit your contact or go no contact with an abuser. Never let them see you at your lowest, and always remember, “Staying calm is your greatest superpower; in the stillness of your composure lies the strength to navigate any storm.” – Lisa K. Stephenson, Author of The Snows of Khione.

by Danielle Wright

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