Photography by Fikayo Aderoju
So he doesn't want a relationship. Well, he just might be a Mr. Superficial. Hear me out...
I dated a Mr. Superficial and here’s the deal with these guys, they aren’t looking for love or a relationship or to settle down. These guys are the “Mr. Right Now” of the dating pool. However, these guys are fun and therefore always down for a good time, they are the “for a good time call” guy and because of this, you can very easily find yourself spending lots of time with them, time that you will not get back. Now, one very common mistake I see and hear of happening is that women will hear the words, “I am not looking for a relationship” from a guy they like and would very much like to be in a relationship with and instead of taking this comment at face value will embark on a mission with Mr. Superficial to change his mind and win his love. This is wrong, wrong, and wrong some more. Do not do this! A man is never too good to express his love, feelings, or emotions towards a woman and if he doesn’t articulate this, his actions will no doubt speak for him. I assure you. Often in cases like this, women find themselves dealing with 1 of 2 things:
1. If she gets pregnant and she isn’t dealing with a complete jackass then he will date you, claim you (maybe) and raise a family with you but he will never truly be invested in you as the woman he hopes to one day marry aka a circumstantial relationship.
2. The Fallback girl. Regardless if he never puts a title on you, he knows that if things don’t work out between him and the woman he truly wants—the one he actively pursues—then he can always fall back on you. Don’t be this girl. But, I know you didn’t need me to tell you that.
Learned behaviors are learned because they are reinforced with positive outcomes or feedback. When Mr. Superficial leaves you, ignores you, strings you along, etc. is he being punished? The short answer is no because undoubtedly you will seek to contact him, he will make you come to him. You see players don’t have a time limit or a time frame for “missing an ex or missing their mess around” because where there was you, there were also ten other prospects. So, what inevitably happens is when he pulls back, you begin to push forward and thus the chase is reversed. He learns that when he withdraws his attention he can win yours. He learns that when he is ruthless, mean, and nonchalant this solidifies his position as it piques your interest, making him the un-gettable guy. There’s an old saying in psychology that says, in essence, that as long as someone is chasing, the other person will continue running. Stop chasing, stop begging and stop trying to change his mind and you will throw him into a frenzy trying to find new ways to control you.
Men like Mr. Superficial can very easily find himself trapped between two women and this is actually quite popular these days, whether it is the wife and a mistress, the side chick and the girlfriend or the girlfriend and the ex. Let me explain something, NOBODY IS WINNING IN CASES LIKE THESE BESIDES THE MAN! I don’t want to say that too loud, because I know unfortunately a lot of these dudes have made themselves seem so valuable to these women that we are willing to compromise our self-worth and self-respect to be with these men. I say “we” because I have been involved in a situation such as this with my now-ex-boyfriend. But, here is the difference I was always misled into believing he was single and now even if he tells me “good morning” I will go outside and see for myself that the sun is indeed shining. He is officially a compulsive liar and men like this get away with such behaviors because let’s face it, he doesn’t have real feelings, (i.e. genuine feelings for EITHER WOMAN) yes ladies, it’s true, he does not love either of you.
But here is the trick to changing that, he may not love nor respect any of you but the one who leaves will always be the most respected and later on valued. To keep a man, you cannot be afraid to lose that man....
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