How to Self-Soothe Anxious Attachment

It seems that today, many people are giving up on love, citing things like, “The dating pool has piss in it." This conundrum, however, is quite layered, and until we start to peel back the problems, exposing them, we will never get to the center of true love. While there are a number of issues plaguing the dating pool today, one of the more prevalent issues is the varying attachment styles that many people simply cannot comprehend or acknowledge. Both men and women have different attachment styles, with one in particular getting the most heat—anxious attachment.

When a man has an anxious attachment style coupled with a woman who shares the same attachment style, the relationship can feel blissful and harmonious to the people in it. This is obvious when a friend cannot seem to take a moment away from her partner to spend time with her friends or family, damaging their outside relationships.

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For both parties, this feels like love and an obvious indication of interest and care. However, it’s unhealthy and can lead to what many women are now calling, ‘boyfriend air.’ This light and funny trend showcases the before and after effect on a woman once she’s entered into a relationship. She is no longer prioritizing her hair, makeup, and outfits. In other words, she’s let herself go and now wears baggy clothes or tosses something over her to appear more comfortable and relaxed to be around her partner 24/7.

Sitting around your partner, eating, drinking, having sex, and watching movies all day can seem great—especially for women, as this is how we fall in love. But make no mistake, if you are not active and you begin to gain weight, and you’re not looking like the vibrant, beautiful woman you were when he met you, then he’s likely to begin cheating. This can start with a visit to the gym once he’s noticed that he’s gaining a bit of weight. Here, he may lock eyes with a woman who is active and fit—this will lead him to start throwing hints your way to get more active and to dress up a bit. Never ignore these signs.

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While boyfriend air is not uncommon, it is unhealthy and should be seen as a phase. Once you reach your early to mid-thirties, boyfriend air should no longer be of concern for you. If it is, then it’s about time to seek counseling. Most men and women in their early to mid-twenties are doing things like going to work, school, and visiting their partner.

Maybe hanging out here and there, but for the most part, they live at home with their parents and spend the majority of their time in their bedrooms. This is where boyfriend air is applicable because when you get into a relationship, you simply want to hang out with your partner—whether it's in their dorm room or bedroom. Anxious attachment styles at this early stage in your life are normal, but if not checked, they can pose an issue for you later on in life.

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Adults who have responsibilities such as work, maintaining their home, raising children, hobbies, and errands are not likely to engage in "bed rotting" with a partner or spouse. This can be seen as lacking interest or trigger an abandonment wound in someone who never outgrew or dealt with their anxious attachment style earlier in life—especially if there was a time when this type of behavior was seen as completely normal and acceptable.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN:

An anxious attachment style, often rooted in early childhood experiences, can manifest in adult relationships. As you get older, you need to recognize this behavior and get a hold of it before it drives everyone away—even someone who could potentially be a great partner. We’ve seen the rise of many young men dating older women; this could be due to their secure attachment style—which develops over time. In other words, while these men may have an anxious attachment style, they do not want to date someone with the same attachment style as them.

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By now, we’ve all heard the saying, “A man has to love you more than you love him for the relationship to work.” This goes back to your attachment styles. Men love a chase and a woman with hobbies and interests to keep herself busy. A needy woman is usually insecure and will not only require a man for his resources but everything else—therefore depleting him of his energy and aura. If you’re unsure whether you have an anxious attachment style, let’s look at some of the signs below:

Constantly Needing Reassurance – What does this look like? You constantly find yourself questioning whether your partner still loves and cares for you because he does not reassure you enough—whether verbally or physically. You will then feel the need to say things like, “Do you still love me?” or “Do you still think I’m pretty?”

HOW TO SELF-SOOTHE – Step back and take a moment to analyze your behavior. Instead of sending him that text or asking him that question, tell him, “Babe, I look so cute in this dress” or “I know you love me.” This is called confidence! Men respect women who are confident in themselves. When you allow him to dictate how you should view yourself, you are giving him control.

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Abandonment Issues – What does this look like? When or if your partner breaks up with you, you beg them to stay or post sad quotes and memes on your social media accounts. I can promise you he does not care, and you’re only boosting his ego when you do this. At this point, he will feel like you’re worthless. We live in a patriarchal society where men are taught to believe that they are superior to women. However, we know this comes from deep-rooted insecurities within themselves considering they cannot birth themselves. But when you chase, you are only reinforcing something society has already taught him.

HOW TO SELF-SOOTHE – Start by taking back control of your mind. Emotional maturity means having the ability to restrain yourself from begging or sounding defeated. As women, we often believe that it is easy for a man to move on, while for us it can take months and even years to find a new man we like. Do not allow limiting beliefs to hold you back and cause you to chase someone who is running away from you. Have self-respect and know that when you let them go, they usually return.

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Overthinking and Overanalyzing – What does this look like? Taking notice of every single thing he does that seems out of the ordinary to you. Maybe he’s out with friends and not posting a lot online, and you shoot him a text, “Hey, you said you were out with the guys, why aren’t you posting anything?” I promise you, this is annoying. Imagine a man you like or love suddenly becoming controlling and demanding to know your every move because of his overthinking. It doesn’t matter how much you love him; that behavior will push you away. It’s not cute.

HOW TO SELF-SOOTHE – Don’t do this. Release your mind and yourself from all negative, self-deprecating thoughts—“he must be cheating on me because I didn’t have sex with him last night” or “I know I should have spent more time with him this weekend.” Practice mindful meditation to help combat overthinking. When you are solid in who you are and unwavering, you exude a peacefulness that cannot be found everywhere. That is what makes you attractive and irreplaceable.

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Clinginess – What does this look like? Letting that boyfriend air hit you so hard that you refuse to go home, get cute, and go out with your friends. This can also look like abandoning your friends because you’re in a relationship. Clinging to your partner is not attractive and can cause them to push you away. If your partner ever has to say something to you along the lines of, “Don’t you have anything planned today?” or “Why don’t you go out with your friends for a change?”—then it’s safe to say that you’ve hit anxious attachment rock bottom.

HOW TO SELF-SOOTHE – Stop abandoning your friends just because you’re in a relationship. I cannot tell you how many times we’ve heard from women who say they lost their friends because they hung out with their boyfriends all the time. I cannot stress enough that having a balance is the key to a successful relationship and marriage.

You need to have a life outside of the person you’re with. If you do not want to do that, then once the honeymoon phase has passed, your friends will no longer have an interest in hanging out with you. How would you feel if every time a friend of yours got into a relationship, they tossed you aside, and the only time you heard from them was when they either broke up with their partner or were mad at their partner? That’s not a friendship.

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Lack of Trust – What does this look like? Randomly asking to go through your partner’s phone or accusing them of cheating when you have no proof. If you suspect that your partner is cheating on you, you must remain calm and gather evidence. This could involve enlisting the help of one of those girls on TikTok who will DM your boyfriend, flirt with him, and then, if he takes the bait, she’ll let you know.

HOW TO SELF-SOOTHE – Always follow your intuition and do not start a commotion. Finding out that your partner is being unfaithful can be a devastating blow to the ego and obliterate your confidence. But take a step back, process, breathe, and ask yourself if going to jail over someone who did not love nor respect you is worth it? It never is.

Do not jeopardize your freedom to appease your ego. It’s easy to repair and rebuild your confidence; your reputation, not so much. So, choose wisely. If you’re having problems trusting your partner even if they’ve never given you a reason not to, then perhaps a relationship is not the best thing for you at the moment.

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Emotional Volatility – What does this look like? This is when you experience intense emotions and mood swings related to relationship issues. If you are physically or emotionally abusive, then you need to self-check and recalibrate to reach a level of emotional maturity that comes with having a secure attachment style. High levels of stress can trigger autoimmune diseases such as lupus, celiac disease, and even arthritis.

If you’re a fan of Love and Hip Hop, then you know that Erica Mena’s forehead vein was an unpaid main character in many of her scenes. That vein, although hilarious to some, can be a sign of underlying diseases. By the time her divorce from Safaree had finalized, she had lost so much weight she became almost unrecognizable. This could be an underlying health issue that’s forced her to calm down and practice patience and self-care.

HOW TO SELF-SOOTHE – If and when you find yourself on the brink of exploding, arguing, or acting out of character, ask yourself, “Is this person worth my life?” The answer is always no! High levels of stress from a relationship can cause diseases that may ultimately cause you to lose your life or alter the way you live your life. No one and nothing is worth that. In 2022, Khloe Kardashian revealed that she had been experiencing brain trauma developed from her turbulent relationship with Tristan Thompson, who was caught multiple times in explosive cheating scandals.

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Excessive Communication – What does this look like? Your anxious attachment may be triggered and cause you to over-communicate or over-explain yourself in situations that do not call for it. If this happens and your partner is feeling overwhelmed, they may or may not express this to you, but their actions will. This can lead you to overthink and overanalyze, falling deeper and deeper into a rabbit hole that you cannot dig yourself out of.

HOW TO SELF-SOOTHE – Stick to the important stuff, especially if it’s over text. Do not overexplain or overcommunicate—that’s when you head over to the notes app on your phone. One thing I like to do when I’m angry is use Twitter to express my thoughts, and when I’ve reached my limit, I start to take away, adding abbreviated characters. This helps me to keep my thoughts minimal and controlled.

That is what I share with my partner. Most men do not want to read paragraphs or books; they like clear, concise messages that they can read, understand, and solve the problem if necessary. Also, this is why you don’t abandon your girlfriends when you’re in a relationship. While you might send your boyfriend 150 words, you can send your best friends 20 paragraphs or more, and they will read, respond, and talk you through the problem.

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Difficulty Accepting Boundaries – What does this look like? When your partner says no, you pout, cry, or accuse them of doing something they are not doing. This is annoying, and you have to grow up! Hearing no from your partner is not the end of the world—if they want to have sex and you say no, then you want them to be understanding, right?

So, if you want a new bodysuit from LUEQ and he says no, then you need to accept it. Not only this, but women are notorious for taking a man’s boundaries that he’s set for himself lightly or dismissing them altogether. This is abusive. When a man says, "please do not do this," he means it. Some of our male readers chimed in to express their feelings on what it’s like dating someone with an anxious attachment style:

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• “Dealing with my girlfriend sometimes feels like I’m walking on eggshells. I don’t know how much longer I can take this.”
• “My ex was an amazing woman, but she would often misinterpret whatever it was that I said. Very explosive. I had to leave.”
• “Suffocation. No breathing!!!”
• “There’s a lot of closeness, but no intimacy. It’s like they want to be close under the microscope where they can monitor you, everything from where you are all day to a flicker of the ‘wrong’ facial expression, but they never actually see you.”

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HOW TO SELF-SOOTHE – You need to recognize that having an anxious attachment style does not make you a good person and can often lead to you hurting the people who actually care about you. When these people decide to leave you, they are not horrible humans who did not know how to love you; they are good people who you’ve subjected to your own self-abuse due to not loving yourself. Get the help you need and evolve past this attachment style, as there is nothing healthy about it.

by Danielle Wright