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How to Self-Soothe Anxious Attachment

by Danielle Wright

It seems that today, many people are giving up on love, citing things like, “The dating pool has piss in it.”

This conundrum, however, is quite layered, and until we start to peel back the problems, exposing them, we will never get to the center of true love. While there are a number of issues plaguing the dating pool today, one of the more prevalent issues is the varying attachment styles that many people simply cannot comprehend or acknowledge. Both men and women have different attachment styles, with one in particular getting the most heat—anxious attachment.

When a man has an anxious attachment style coupled with a woman who shares the same attachment style, the relationship can feel blissful and harmonious to the people in it. This is obvious when a friend cannot seem to take a moment away from her partner to spend time with her friends or family, damaging their outside relationships.

For both parties, this feels like love and an obvious indication of interest and care. However, it’s unhealthy and can lead to what many women are now calling, ‘boyfriend air.’ This light and funny trend showcases the before and after effect on a woman once she’s entered into a relationship. She is no longer prioritizing her hair, makeup, and outfits. In other words, she’s let herself go and now wears baggy clothes or tosses something over her to appear more comfortable and relaxed to be around her partner 24/7.

Sitting around your partner, eating, drinking, having sex, and watching movies all day can seem great—especially for women, as this is how we fall in love. But make no mistake, if you are not active and you begin to gain weight, and you’re not looking like the vibrant, beautiful woman you were when he met you, then he’s likely to begin cheating. This can start with a visit to the gym once he’s noticed that he’s gaining a bit of weight. Here, he may lock eyes with a woman who is active and fit—this will lead him to start throwing hints your way to get more active and to dress up a bit. Never ignore these signs.

While boyfriend air is not uncommon, it is unhealthy and should be seen as a phase. Once you reach your early to mid-thirties, boyfriend air should no longer be of concern for you. If it is, then it’s about time to seek counseling. Most men and women in their early to mid-twenties are doing things like going to work, school, and visiting their partner.

Maybe hanging out here and there, but for the most part, they live at home with their parents and spend the majority of their time in their bedrooms. This is where boyfriend air is applicable because when you get into a relationship, you simply want to hang out with your partner—whether it's in their dorm room or bedroom. Anxious attachment styles at this early stage in your life are normal, but if not checked, they can pose an issue for you later on in life.

Related articles: 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding

Adults who have responsibilities such as work, maintaining their home, raising children, hobbies, and errands are not likely to engage in "bed rotting" with a partner or spouse. This can be seen as lacking interest or trigger an abandonment wound in someone who never outgrew or dealt with their anxious attachment style earlier in life—especially if there was a time when this type of behavior was seen as completely normal and acceptable.


An anxious attachment style, often rooted in early childhood experiences, can manifest in adult relationships. As you get older, you need to recognize this behavior and get a hold of it before it drives everyone away—even someone who could potentially be a great partner. We’ve seen the rise of many young men dating older women; this could be due to their secure attachment style—which develops over time. In other words, while these men may have an anxious attachment style, they do not want to date someone with the same attachment style as them.

By now, we’ve all heard the saying, “A man has to love you more than you love him for the relationship to work.” This goes back to your attachment styles. Men love a chase and a woman with hobbies and interests to keep herself busy. A needy woman is usually insecure and will not only require a man for his resources but everything else—therefore depleting him of his energy and aura. If you’re unsure whether you have an anxious attachment style, let’s look at some of the signs below:

Constantly Needing Reassurance – What does this look like? You constantly find yourself questioning whether your partner still loves and cares for you because he does not reassure you enough—whether verbally or physically. You will then feel the need to say things like, “Do you still love me?” or “Do you still think I’m pretty?”

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