12 Traits of a Narcissist

In a previous article, I mentioned that the term 'narcissist' has grown in popularity over the past five years, mainly due to the increase in self-proclaimed relationship coaches and gurus online giving their listeners misinformation. Content creators, tarot card readers, and many influencers purposely provide vague explanations on topics pertaining to love or relationships that could potentially apply to anyone.

They are banking on you, the listener, experiencing a heightened state of emotions that affects your perception and judgment. During this time, you are more likely to personalize a situation, engage in emotional reasoning, and display cognitive bias and projection.

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When you hear the term 'narcissist' and a few bullet points that are considered character traits that you can apply to your situation, then all of a sudden, you’re giving that creator a follow and/or diagnosing your partner and applying changes you think will help to fix that person and your relationship with them.

The truth is, no one can diagnose a narcissist except a licensed professional. Some people are just bad people, and that is okay, but you don’t need a diagnosis to tell you they’re bad. You simply need to improve your self-esteem and step out of circumstances that are not serving you. A true narcissist is not hard to spot, so, let’s dive into the twelve traits of a person living with narcissistic personality disorder.

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Please keep in mind that if a person only displays three of these twelve traits, it does not mean they are a narcissist. Having traits and being diagnosed are two completely different things, and although the outcome on your end should be the same either way—leave—please do not assume that a person is automatically mentally unstable because they’re selfish.

INTERPERSONAL DIFFICULTIES: 
Struggling to maintain healthy, reciprocal relationships due to their selfishness and lack of genuine interest in others can be a sign of narcissism. This should not be mistaken for someone who is simply selfish and does not see the benefit of being generous, especially to the opposite sex. If the narcissist is generous, you will find that they are keeping score of what they’ve done for you as a way to weaponize their kindness and later play the victim when they’ve been caught doing something unfavorable in the relationship.

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NEED FOR ADMIRATION:
Narcissists constantly crave praise and attention—not to be confused with a Leo. This is why you may see that one guy at the gym shouting and hooting to get noticed. He wants people to pay attention to him because, to him, there’s no such thing as bad press. Any attention is good attention as long as the focus is on him and what he has going on.

Narcissists are usually easy to spot in photos and on social media because they are never in the back of group photos. For men, their social media profiles are often plastered with selfies—"I look good now. Who has time to wait around for someone else to take the pic?" While women do this too, most masculine men are not as interested in photos and angles; they prefer living in the moment and being present. If a man is a narcissist, he’s most likely hyper-feminine as well.

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MANIPULATIVE OR EXPLOITATIVE BEHAVIOR: 
I once dated a man who made it his mission to tell me all he had learned from the book The 48 Laws of Power. At first, I was impressed because that book is hard to get through, but then I realized, no one actually reads that book unless they want to hone their manipulation tactics. For most men, those tactics are to be used on women, not one another.

He would also always tell me stories of things that happened between him and his friends, notably brave actions that would have me foaming at the mouth. It was like hearing about the brave knight from a fairytale. However, once we broke up and I ran into some of our mutual friends, recounting some of the stories, they all looked at me like I was crazy.

Many of them explained that it was either them who did those things or other friends of his; my ex was just… there. None of the adventurous and brave things he told me about himself were ever actually true. In the workplace, narcissists are good at taking credit for someone else's work and passing it off as their own to exploit others for their own achievements.

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LACK OF EMPATHY:
Do not expect a narcissist to show empathy—the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. This is not because they are devoid of emotion but simply because they do not know how. Most narcissists, especially men, do not know how to articulate their inner struggles or turmoil, so they suffer in silence or are blamed for not responding.

In reality, they don’t know how to respond to someone else’s vulnerability because no one has ever responded to theirs. They were never taught how to be empathetic or sensitive. This is why many male narcissists expect to date and marry women who lean more into their masculine energy. It’s easy for them to say, “Be tough” or “You’re a strong woman.” To them, this way of thinking is normal. It has worked for them (or so they believe), so why wouldn’t it work for you?

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SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT:
Narcissists are swarming the online universe, and I do not say that lightly. The children who were never hugged are now adults who feel entitled to people’s lives, time, art, and so much more. Narcissists wholeheartedly believe they deserve special treatment and unquestioned compliance from others. If you’re in the presence of someone who cannot take no for an answer or demands things be adjusted to their liking at the slightest inconvenience, it’s safe to say this person will be abusive to you and your family.

What does this look like in a relationship? If your partner is a narcissist and hypersexual, you cannot turn them down sexually. They believe they are entitled to your body and energy. Turning them down will trigger a negative reaction that can be dangerous for all involved. I read a story on Reddit about a man who described in his post that he was so horny when his wife told him she was too tired for sex, he guilt-tripped her into having it.

During intercourse, he described himself as squeezing and pounding her so hard, she kept groaning in pain and gripping the sheets, trying to get away from him. Even as she began to cry, he did not stop. Once they were done, she wept hysterically, and he posted that he felt bad and thought, “It’s alright; I’ll just get her some flowers or something. What do you guys think?” His sense of entitlement led him to rape his wife.

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HYPER SENSITIVE TO CRITICISM:
Narcissists tend to overreact to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation. The recent events between rapper Cardi B, Paris, and Joe Budden are a good example of someone who may exhibit a trait of a narcissist but may not entirely be classified as one. It’s no secret that Cardi B cannot take criticism; it’s just very hard for her to ignore, and she almost always claps back.

So, if you see someone who is hypersensitive to criticism, do not jump to the conclusion that they are a narcissist. However, this is a red flag because if your delivery is done correctly and with love, there is no reason for your partner or the person in your life to feel attacked or become defensive towards you.

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SUPERFICIAL CHARM:
Narcissists have a charm that can draw people in but often lack depth or sincerity. This is most common with women because it’s not unusual for a woman to be absolutely gorgeous but lack any real personality. “The lights are on but no one is home” is a saying typically used to describe a person who appears cognitively developed, but once they open their mouth to speak, they are not good at articulating themselves or forming a complete thought. The most important thing to someone like this is to be beautiful or handsome, but not smart.

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ARROGANCE:
A narcissist does not listen to learn; they believe they are always right, and the information they possess is correct and should be shared with others. They display haughty behaviors or attitudes—not to be confused with a Sagittarius—these men and women usually shrug you off and are blunt, cruel, hurtful, and emotionally feared.

This also means they do not apologize—not to be confused with a stubborn Taurus—as they never feel they have done anything to be sorry for. If they do apologize, prepare to hear about it later because now they’ve gone from victim to villain, and a narcissist cannot envision themselves as anything other than the victim.

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EMOTIONAL VOLATILITY:
It’s not uncommon for a person with narcissism to have been raised in an environment where they were betrayed by trusted friends or family members. This can lead to them being a victim and then weaponizing this behavior into adulthood. They learn early on that always playing the victim will garner them attention and help in manipulating the real victims to fall prey to their abuses.

Without being a victim, they would feel powerless, like that younger version of themselves who was blindsided by someone they trusted who was supposed to protect them. Since they now trust no one, they are always on guard, waiting for the next person to put a knife in their back. Playing the victim will come with extreme mood swings and dramatic emotional displays mainly used to control others.

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PREOCCUPATION WITH FANTASIES: 
Narcissists—not to be confused with a Pisces—like to daydream, but this is not innocent; it’s usually about them being highly successful, brilliant, falling for their ideal love, and having endless power. A narcissist will then turn around and compare their lives to these fantasies. This is where most narcs start to fantasize and fetishize women online, wishing, hoping, and praying for a chance with them.

This is the real reason why you should never look to date or fall in love with a man who is following a large number of women on social media apps such as Instagram and TikTok. It’s a form of daydreaming, and before you know it, you’ll be placed in a secret competition with these women who are essentially strangers to you both. It’s not worth the headache or the drama.

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ENVY:
Have you ever told a narcissist good news and instead of congratulating you, they tell you about the negative side of things? My ex did this, too. He would often follow it up with, “I’m telling you why it’s bad first, before I tell you why it’s good, so you don’t get your hopes up.”

This could be in relation to me sharing news about a promotion, graduation, or anything else that would elevate my career. He later went on to have a baby with someone else, and when she was nine months pregnant, I found out on Facebook. Not to mention, once we broke up, he hovered over my social media profiles and slandered my name to anyone who would listen.

Yet, I was still the villain for leaving him and leveling up my life. Somehow, it doesn’t matter what they do; all that matters is that they never see you surpassing them. This also goes for men who propose to their girlfriends during their graduation ceremony or men who impregnate their wives or girlfriends just as the wife is interested in pursuing other goals.

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GRANDIOSITY:
This is when I knew I was dating a full-blown narcissist—the lies! At one point, I let my ex borrow my car because he did not have one, and he would take his friends up and down and tell everyone who would listen that the car was his.

Another man I dated would take photos in my vehicle and, while I was out either pumping gas or paying for the gas—don’t judge me; I had low self-esteem at that time—he would be on Snapchat taking videos in the car as if he were driving or paying for the gas. Needless to say, narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and superiority over others. They will brag about their life to anyone who is willing to pay attention, and none of it is true.

There you have it, twelve traits of a narcissist. If the person you’re dating has exhibited at least six of these signs, they may be undiagnosed. But even with three of these signs, they are a red flag, and you should still leave immediately.

by Danielle Wright & Lisa K. Stephenson, Author and Relationship Coach