Heartbroken Black Woman

A Professional at Heartbreak by Lisa K. Stephenson

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Following fashion trends and shopping are both passions of mine, but these days as I grow older I can't seem to shake this little pesky feeling of "Companionship." Daily I ask myself, am I going to grow old alone? Will I not meet a man in 2020 that is truly what he says he is, single?

Dating has become a whirlwind of excuses, a pick me dance among women, and an overall physical contest of who can emulate our plastic role models the best. Is there no longer room for authenticity? After two consecutive breakups, both ending in me losing my mate to another woman who happened to pro-create during my relationship, I came to learn one thing; I am a professional at heartbreak. I mean, I have been around the block a few times: two times, two different men, the same outcome. Baby momma mishaps.

Dare I say this out loud and not be considered highly bias? I may be dodged a bullet, well two, hmm. As if having children is not hard enough, but how does one cope with raising both a newborn baby and an adult male, one who sees monogamy as an absolute plague to mankind? This blog is not about being a bitter woman post-breakup, this blog is an inspirational session on how to cope with a breakup. Here is where I will teach you how to professionally handle a breakup and no longer see your separation as a means to an end, but a means to a beginning.

Companionship may be overrated in this day and age. I mean let's face it, more women are becoming successful in their own right, owning businesses and even monetarily supporting their households.

Ask yourself, companionship, is this a need or a want? I find myself struggling between the two, simply because at one point in my life my thoughts on companionship were a full-on necessity. I felt I needed a man in my life for the mere fact that I feared to be alone. I feared to miss my window of opportunity to pro-create and build a family, I feared it so much that I found myself settling. That's right, settling. Chivalry is not dead and when a man begins to feel he is more of a need than a want, he too will feel less inclined to entertain the idea of complete monogamy and enable your need for co-dependency.

Songwriter and Entertainer Ne-Yo said it best, "I love her cause she got her own." For the record, I don't think he was simply speaking about feelings. Having your own means a full development of self. An understanding of what it is that we as women want and simply will not settle for anything less: you have your own car, career, and full-time benefits, and let's not forget ambition, so why settle for anything less than that in a potential mate? Maybe we're seeking companionship for all the wrong reasons. Maybe it is our lack of development of self: self-value, self-worth, that keeps allowing us to make the same mistakes and relive the same heartbreaks, making us all professionals. I may be a professional at heartbreak, but I am a keen expert on phenomenally bouncing back.

Following my most recent break-up, I drowned myself in post-breakup articles, YouTube videos on "How to cope with a breakup" and even entertained the idea a time or two to simply pick up the phone and call, return to the toxic mess I had become so accustomed to. BUT what I have noticed is that some, if not all of these articles won't tell you to simply stop feeling sorry for yourself and realize that the person who is now single, may very well deserve to be. Maybe you were too clingy, too fat, not ambitious, and just deeply flawed. Whatever the reason, if you spend more time trying to perfect your imperfections, you will spend less time trying to figure out why you were ever dumped/cheated on in the first place. Sure psychologists will try to diagnose your cheating spouse or partner calling them a narcissist and correlating their actions to not being hugged enough as a child. Ladies, the truth is that is not your problem, you are your problem. Focus on what you can change, start with your happiness, and finding your own self-worth and self-value.

Are you someone who is always getting cheated on?

History often has a way of repeating itself, but, with repetition comes learning and once you can acknowledge your imperfections and fix them you can better prepare for a relationship that you can confidently say is something you want.

Bottom line is let's all start being a professional at heartbreak, so we can all become a professional at phenomenally bouncing back.