Can You Stop Loving Someone?

by Megan Sheckells

You know the feeling, falling in love, having butterflies and the “they’re all I can think about” phase. Maybe it feels nice the first time around with someone to put on those rose-colored glasses and focus your feelings of affection on that one person. But a few more times of falling for the same person, and it’s lost its charm.

It seems like for whatever reason that we aren’t with that person if we can’t get over them, or we fall in love repeatedly over time, that there’s something amiss. It’s not the same swept off your feet, and lovey-dovey experience it once was, because now all you can think about is “Why do I keep falling for this person over and over again? Why can’t I move on from this person? Can you stop loving someone? Does that mean we’re meant to be together, or does it mean that I need some help moving on?”

This is not an unnatural or strange occurrence though; a lot of people experience this. Dr. John De Oca is a relationship expert, doctorate-prepared nurse practitioner, and nurse coach with a relationship-focused coaching business at therelationshipprescriber.com, and explained why this can happen to us. He stated, “Many individuals keep falling over and over for the same people because psychologically we gravitate towards what is familiar to us.

When negative relationship patterns become our comfort zone, this is when people get stuck in repetitive relationships that they try to fix every time they enter a partnership that feels familiar to them.”

So, while you may not realize it, this person that you keep falling for offers some feeling of comfort and that can be what causes you to remain stuck on that person. It’s important to figure out just what it is that you find familiar to your life or beliefs that are embodied in this person you can’t seem to move on from.

Leah Carey, a sex and intimacy coach and host of the podcast “Good Girls Talk About Sex” at leahcarey.com, also offered insight about what it is that we’re returning to. She spoke on her own experience saying, “I got into this same toxic relationship several times before I started looking at the common denominator: me. I was choosing toxic relationships because they reaffirmed what I already believed about myself - that I wasn’t worthy of anything better.”

While some of us fall for one person over and over, for others it’s more of a type of relationship they fall for time and time again. Carey spoke further on her personal experience, stating, “While this manifested for me throughout several relationships, the same thing can happen with an on-and-off relationship over time. More than likely, something about that person is fulfilling a belief you have about yourself.”

So, it seems that sometimes it’s not even the person, but the feelings they bring or the beliefs that the way they treat you affirms. Maybe it is the fact that the relationship didn’t work out and you don’t believe you are deserving of a stable relationship. Or maybe it’s an unrequited love that you just can’t seem to quit, which may affirm a belief that you aren’t desirable in the first place.

Related articles: How Long Does a Crush Last?

About how to get past these situations, Carey said “It’s not a fun or pithy answer, but it’s true: you’ve got to do the hard work of looking at the underlying reasons for WHY you’re caught in this pattern. I couldn’t create boundaries around toxic relationships until I looked at the needs they were fulfilling.” She went on to suggest counseling or therapy to help you get a look at the why of falling for someone over and over.

I can personally say I relate to your struggle. I’ve been there in both capacities. Falling for the same guy over and over even though he ghosted me or gave me signs that he didn’t care. I’ve also been the girl who kept trying to initiate the same type of relationship with a different but similarly distant guy who behaves in the same way as the others in my life had. It’s a vicious cycle, and unfortunately, there isn’t an easy way out.

The first step is to be aware that it’s happening, so good job, you likely wouldn’t be reading this if you hadn’t at least somewhat admitted this is your situation. So, dig deep, with yourself, a friend, or a counselor/therapist, and figure out your specific why. The sooner you figure out what belief or feeling this person fulfills for you, the sooner you can assess your next steps in moving on or finding the best solution to this dilemma.

Sources:

Carey, Leah. Personal Interview, 16 Aug. 2021.

De Oca, John. Personal Interview 16 Aug. 2021.

Can You Stop Loving Someone?

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