Updated: Oct 17, 2020
The internet is littered with stories about how to be good at sex, and the advice nearly always assumes that it takes certain ‘moves’ to do it. Let's face it… our sexual education system is completely broken. And the effect? Generations of unaware lovers are being spread across the world. Though moves can make sex more playful; in my experience, mind-blowing sex is more of a mindset thing than a technique thing.
Throughout my college life, I never once looked at pornography. And, I never used the sexual information that we learned throughout our formative years. I've learned everything I know about sex from what felt good with my body and letting my imagination lead what happens in the bedroom. The effect of that? Many, many men (and myself) leaving my bed very pleased.
Here are my top seven highest leverage tips for women to become better lovers in bed – and no, they do not encompass becoming overly flexible.
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Be present, make eye contact, and remain attentive. No matter where your imagination leads you, all your efforts will be wasted unless you can learn to be present with the person in front of you. This means responding and adapting to what your partner needs moment-to-moment. So, instead of closing your eyes and remaining motionless during missionary, start shifting your hips, pulling your eyes up, and make eye contact. Pay attention to the person that you're in bed with. Drop into your body, and 'dance' to the experience you're both having.
Be enthusiastic when you're having sex. What's worth savoring is seeing someone else's enthusiasm for being right there with you. Enthusiasm leaves no space for shame. And there's no such thing as "overeager" or being too silly if all parties are welcomed enthusiastically into the scene... not to mention enthusiastically heard. And in addition to consent, your enthusiasm is rooted in a natural give-and-take.
Note: Sex is great when you start to take control of your femininity. Learn what you like and how you like to be touched and start conveying that to your partner.
Good sex starts with being relaxed. "Oh, but aren't you always supposed to be relaxed when you have sex?" you might say. Yes, but when it's someone you've had your eye on for a while, becoming relaxed can sometimes get thrown out the door because you always want to put on your best show.
However, relaxation is such a primal need. And in good sex, this is where we drop our masks or expectations. Relaxed people get to enjoy sex while they have it instead of drowning in the anxiety of impressing somebody else. Good sex is not a performance, despite what you might have heard.
Relaxed sex means we can laugh and speak freely; don’t let little hiccups and missteps don't throw you off course into painful awkwardness. Embarrassment? It's a non-issue. You are relaxed enough to talk about what you like, and vice versa. We're not second-guessing whether that thing we just said or did was stupid. We're not worried about climaxing too slowly, too quickly, or perhaps even at all. Destination? You and your partner in bed are all about the journey.
Confidence is key. Being confident in your sexual prowess lets the other person know that you know what you're doing – even when you don't.
The best lovers I have met have always been experts on their sexual arousal arch. They know how to speed things up, slow things down, and switch gears whenever necessary. Do you know what kind of thoughts, fantasies, and ideas make you climax faster? Do you know what kind of speed, pressure, and sensation you need to feel sexually satisfied?
If this is something you've never delved into, it might help if you take out a piece of paper and write out a sexual wish list of all of the things that you enjoy having done to you, or that you might enjoy in the future. You can even divide your paper into three sections: 'I know I enjoy…" "I might enjoy…" and "I may, in the future, want to experiment with…". Whether you share the entirety of your list with your partner is entirely up to you. The self-knowledge that comes from the exercise is the primary goal.
Exercise – your vagina will thank you. Years ago, you couldn't pay me to go to the gym. Regular exercise wasn't on my radar because I didn't care about it. I was that girl in PE that had to BEG the teacher to pass me because sweating during class wasn't my thing. However, after graduating and going to college, I found that an exercise regime improves your sex life (and keeps the freshman 15 off). It's nearly impossible to keep me away from a workout.
A good exercise routine gives you chemical-level mood boosters such as dopamine and endorphins, which increase sex drive and desire. Also, exercise encourages testosterone production, which primes your body to be able to go the distance due to a stronger physique, (stronger abs, lower back, arms, etc.).
Whether it's a 20-minute jog, free weights in the gym, or a cross-fit session that gets you excited to get moving, exercise pays dividends in helping you become the ultimate lover.
Use your mouth – God gave it to you for a reason. Maybe that's exaggerating it a bit, but what they say is true – men love a good blowjob. My attitude about blowjobs has evolved over the years, and my technique has changed along with it. When I first started giving head, I was nervous as hell. I knew the basic idea behind a blowjob, but I didn't know how to give one. But my boyfriend kept insisting on it, so I eventually decided to suck it up, part my lips, and put his cock between them. What did I learn? I loved seeing men enjoy what I could give. After taking out the seriousness and learning to love giving blowjobs, it's made my sex life 100% better.
It isn't your fault that our sex education was lacking. While we are taught many things in high school, some of the things that would become the most integral to our overall emotional fulfillment was essentially missing. These few tips can help you towards your goal of having a genuinely thriving love life.
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