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Dear Danielle: He Stood Me Up!

How to Respond & What to Do by Danielle Wright

Welcome to Ask She's SINGLE, where we dive deep to give you answers to your most pressing questions...


Dear Danielle,

“I hope you can help me. I am a very nice girl, very understanding and super kind. I met this guy on a dating app and we hit it off. He seemed so nice. We would talk all day and when we exchanged numbers, he would FaceTime me regularly after work. I liked him a lot! But he took a while to ask me out, like 3 weeks. Then he finally does and it’s not a fancy place, but I still went, I drove my car.


At first, I thought he was just late – like 10 minutes and then it became 45 minutes, next thing I knew the waitress was asking me if I wanted the check (I had ended up ordering food and a latte). He never showed up. Then I don’t hear from him for 3-days and out of nowhere he sends me a text and says his dog died!!! His DOG DIED!!! What do I do? I’m so angry. I haven’t written back by the way and this happened yesterday.” – Janet

 

Whoever said dating would be easy, lied! Janet, we’re so sorry you’re going through this. I hope that the advice here will help give you some clarity on the situation and you will know how to best respond to Mr. Dog Died.


Getting stood up is one of the worst things that can happen to a woman, it can leave you feeling rejected and uncomfortable. Being stood up means having gone on a date, except to find that you’ve been left by yourself because your date never showed up. How awful. So why did he ask you out?


Believe it or not most men in situations like these are confused. Plain and simple. He is unsure of his feelings towards you – be it platonic because you have not been speaking for very long. Either way, he is not very good at sorting through his emotions and that leaves you on the receiving end of someone who is perhaps not ready for an adult relationship.

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There are a few things to consider here: his lack of good communication skills, insensitivity and devaluing of both you and your time.


By no means should you feel embarrassed or ashamed when this happens. You took someone on their word and he could not live up to it. First things first, do not confront him. If you do so, it will only push him away if he’s not ready to hear what you have to say. 9/10 he will not receive it well and the tables will turn, and you will be made to feel and look like the bad guy. He will then thank the heavens that he didn’t show up and possibly think he was right for avoiding you altogether. Keep composed.


POOR COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

First things first, you want to begin limiting the amount of time you spend speaking with this guy. Send him your condolences for his dog and then back off. At this stage of the relationship, it is too early for these kinds of mishaps and far too early for him to begin showing you he does not respect you—although this should never happen at any point in your relationship. If he can forget to communicate to you that plans need to change or that something came up, it is simply because he does not care.


He is being inconsiderate and that is not a good trait to have, let alone one you should want in a potential partner. It’s always important to be thoughtful and considerate of how your words and actions will affect others. Choosing to not communicate something as simple as a change of plans means that your feelings are already being ignored and will only continue to happen should you remain in touch with this person.



INSENSITIVITY:

Sure, a man tends to be singularly focused and sequential—make decisions as quickly as possible. In your case, his dog dying means he had to shift his focus and tend to his pet’s needs. It’s a natural, wired-in capacity in men and hugely complementary to a woman’s inclination to take in more and process information before forming her decision.


But when a man has made the conscious decision to date, he does so knowing that there is someone else to consider, you. Knowing this, a woman can become more understanding when a man appears to be indifferent, self-absorbed and non-collaborative. This is because what women may perceive as insensitive or uncaring on his part is most likely not intentional. But there are clues…


His shift in attention did not happen for one day or two…he remained out of touch for multiple days following the incident making this one of those things that should not go ignored. If he had waited a day or even later on that evening to get in touch with you, we would say, sure, give him the benefit of the doubt. But the duration of time which he waited to get in touch means he may not be a good fit for you at the moment.

DEVALUING:

Time is one of those things we cannot get back, unlike money, they do not print time. So when you find yourself in a position where your time is being wasted, it is always best to close the door and go where you are appreciated. A man may not devalue a woman on purpose, as I previously stated, he may be confused, perhaps he was looking to rebound you and decided against it.


According to Life Coach, Taylor Carr, “A rebound relationship can be traumatizing for someone who is not fully ready to move on yet, or is codependent and isn’t comfortable or happy spending time alone. We often use a rebound relationship as a scapegoat to forget the pain we’ve gone through, but the goal is to process and move through the grief before moving into a partnership with someone else.”

At this moment we can give your date the benefit of the doubt and assume he is simply not ready to get back out there. Maybe he felt pressured into asking you out and did so too early. Either way, there doesn’t seem to be a positive outcome for this. Whether he’s realized it’s too soon or not, he’s already devalued you by not showing up. Giving you a proper heads up versus leaving you in limbo for days is evidence of this. Cut your losses and let this one go.


In the end, a man will waste your time if you let him. They know you’re a good woman, but they’re not ready to be a good man. So, if you decide to move past this and continue with this guy, beware. Some men will waste your time and mess around so you can’t find anyone or they want to affect your self-esteem because theirs is low. Keep your standards high. You deserve someone who will show up every time.

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