Updated: May 2
by Kimberly Delarosa
Addictions come in many forms. Some can be small, like shoe shopping, sock collecting, or eating a bag of Reese’s peanut butter cups (guilty here). Some can also become dangerous such as drugs, alcohol, and destructive behavior – like having sex with an ex-boyfriend.
Although having great sex is not an addiction in itself, ask anyone who has had great sex, and they’ll say otherwise. Great sex can feel like an addiction: you just got to have more. If you had great sex with your ex (hence, I miss having sex with an ex), that’s a memory that doesn’t just go away. Using the relationship as evidence, you know deep down why it didn’t work out and why you both aren’t together anymore. But how can you move on in your dating life once you’ve had great sex?
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Firstly, you’d need to establish why you miss having sex with them. It could be several reasons, and it’s most likely not what you think. “For the most part, sex is a pleasurable experience not only for you but for your partner. So, it's easier to focus and fantasize about it because it was so enjoyable,” according to Keith Dent, a relationship consultant and author of In The Paint: How to Win at The Game of Love.
Having that passionate and intimate moment with someone is vulnerability at its best. Although there are reasons why the relationship didn’t work out; there was intimacy which means that at some point there was love, kindness, and closeness. When singles miss their ex, it’s because they miss the feeling of closeness. They miss feeling the connection you have with another person.
Another reason why you miss having sex with your ex is because of pure sexual desire. Tatyana Dyachenko is a relationship expert, sex therapist, and founder of Peaches and Screams – an erotic adult shop based in London, England. Dyachenko describes how it’s not uncommon for a person to miss the sex and not the actual person: “You can be sexually attracted to someone, enjoy sex with them, but not want a relationship. In the same way, you might have friends for different reasons. You may have that one friend that you love going on adventures with but wouldn't enjoy a heart-to-heart deep conversation with.”
Dyachenko touches on a topic that has, historically, been too scandalous for society to bear: women taking control over their sexual desires. Casual sex, which was once viewed as masculine, has become the ideal lifestyle for the modern woman of today. Today, more women want nothing more but sex and a good time; or as I like to call it: the Samantha Jones lifestyle from HBO's classic series Sex and the City. In my opinion, having sexual needs and desires is nothing to be ashamed of. However, when it comes to missing your ex, think back to your relationship and ask yourself “Was the sex the only good part?”
Regardless of the reason(s), why you are both not together, make sure you sit down with yourself and see what kind of lifestyle best suits you. If casual sex is your path, then rock on, and please remember to stay safe and use protection. However, if you want to get those sex haze memories out of your system, find healthy ways to help you get over the hump. “Acknowledge the need for physical touch is built into our biology,” says Cheri Timko, founder of Synergy Coaching LLC. “Find healthy and appropriate substitutes for missing physical touch, like massages, self-pleasure, hugs with friends, cuddles with pets.” The key here is to make sure that your needs are being taken care of by the best person who knows you – you.
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If you find yourself having sex with someone who is no longer in your life, chances are that's a sign from your body and mind telling you it misses the feeling of being loved. So, love yourself (literally and figuratively) and know that things will work out in your favor. And yeah, sex is cool, but have you ever had a bag of Reese's peanut butter cups?
Keith Dent, relationship coach and author
Tatyana Dyachenko is a relationship expert, sex therapist, and founder of Peaches and Screams
Cheri Timko, founder of Synergy Coaching LLC