Your hands are trembling, heart beating rapidly as you begin to realize that if you do not stop typing, reading, responding, and questioning, you are simply going to die! I want answers. I want to know why I was not good enough. I want to know what does she have that I do not. I want to know details: the when, the where and the how. I want to know it all to justify my existence and come up with a way to convince myself that my relationship is worth saving. Experts say that when most men cheat or seek outside companionship on a physical level is seeing it for just that, physical temporary satisfaction. A transient act as nothing can come of this, his relationship remains a top priority as the significant other remains protected with lies and his heart beats for her and only her. Hence the reason the paramour is typically less attractive than that of the wife or significant other. With answers to those questions, one will subconsciously convince themselves that the infidelity was just that: physical temporary relief.
But why do we seek tips on confronting the other woman only to destroy our self-worth, inevitably lowering our self-esteem? Is it because we want more evidence? More reason to be upset or additional indication to no longer bargain with our mind on forgiveness and forgetfulness. What do we hope to gain from The Other Woman?
Our gut is the first snitch in our circle, one-off feeling, one wrong move in our significant others daily routine will trigger that uneasy hinge in our intestines causing us to raise an eyebrow and become far more attentive. As men already know once they are committed to a routine, there is no change without a cause.
Morning run, shower, breakfast, work, and home.
Men, this monotonous pattern of behavior creates an unbelievable connection to you and your partner. Your partner without magical or psychic abilities will know where you are and with whom, any interruption to their abilities causes an uproar. As for women, as we now transition into suspicion paired with distrust their gut takes its first turn.
Cheating in phases -
Phase 1: Ask Questions, Listen to Answers
Old questions will produce new answers when there is a reason for suspicion. As he was once tranquil, vigilant, and meticulous with his responses, he is now careless and at times incomprehensible. Bewildered by this, many times we do not want to accept it the first time around so we ask the same questions and continue to notice the same patterns: thoughtlessness. When there is thought, the thought is overly expressive. A simple I love you too has become, “You know I love you right? You are the best thing that has ever happened in the world to me and you mean the world to me. I hope that you do not ever doubt that!” or, “There is nothing out there for me, you are and will always be all that I will ever need.” This is a way of convincing both you and himself of these lies. This will make you back off just a little. Men are simple, at times we forget this and unless reciting vows they will not deviate.
Phase 2: Socialization.
Typically, when a young, immature male encounters new friends and is amidst a new crowd whether younger or slightly older he is easily manipulated and blindsided by a lifestyle that he may not have lived yet or have come to miss. The abundance of women, new women, the late nights, new expensive clothing, pride in appearance, and new vehicles are all just some of the “new” things he may want to experience. This might come as a shocker when he suddenly becomes attentive to his appearance: fitness, the cologne he wears, the way he coordinates an outfit. There are many contributing factors to this change, gradually, before you know it your significant other is an entirely new person.
Phase 3: Apathy.
Surely, we all make mistakes in relationships and while some mistakes are worse than others there are just some things a simple sorry cannot fix. If you find yourself in a constant tug and war and no one is submitting no matter who is at fault this generally means, there may be a reason to worry. When it comes to the people we love we long to see them happy and bursting with joy. One of the absolute best feelings in the world is knowing you are the cause of their happiness. So, what happens when your happiness is no longer a priority and that smile on your face no longer brightens his day? It may be time to revert to phase one. Only this time you are no longer solely listening to answers you are also monitoring behavior.
Phase 4: The Fade Out.
You are no longer the sexy inquisitive woman he fell in love with, you are now the nag who will not stop speaking. “Annoying”, he will say. The only thing he enjoys more than a night out with the fellas is a room that you do not occupy, long sentences turn into one-word answers, and the “I love you’s” have become, “Love you” or the classic, “Love ya”. Change is afoot and what we as women all make the common mistake of doing is taking the blame and falling victim to guilt. Ladies this is not attractive.
“Perhaps I stopped being sexy.”
“Maybe I asked too many questions.”
“Maybe I did not say the right thing to him last night during dinner.”
Maybe, you have simply become a doormat that your significant other has grown tired of having to dust off outside to restore its beauty. When he gets tired, you should get smart! He didn’t advocate his unhappiness so why must you assume that he is/was unhappy? We advocate, assert our feelings, and demand change. As women, our spouses make us angry we speak on it, propose a solution, and mandate a change. Men are no different. Deliberately choosing to not tell you there is a problem, means he may have found another solution. One of which you were not a part of.
Now we know it all, we saw the signs, we ignored them and then we searched for the other woman. Upon discovery, there is the question in our midst, what do I say? Do I say anything at all? What if she knew he was in a relationship, then what? What do I do? Can my relationship be saved? Funny how the other woman wields such much power in determining the survivorship of your relationship since clearly, we dare not decide on our own to part ways. He knew he was in a relationship and did not care, you know you should leave, still, our infatuation with this person makes us question our self-worth, our value, and our personalities. All to a point where we feel insecure, too uncertain in fact to simply walk away. Who would possibly love me again? So you cannot resist, you question the other woman and pray as you are typing, responding and questioning that there is more news, more information, more reason to leave, more reason to feel anger, more reason to be driven from his life as you realize that you ignored your gut and was taken for granted. The entire fate of your now broken relationship depends on the answers coming from a total stranger to which you have lost an imaginary battle. Nothing will ever be the same.
The other woman has a lot of authority, but I wonder, how did she get it? You gave it away and it’s time to take it back.