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How To Tell a Guy You Want a Relationship Without Scaring Him

by Danielle Wright

Relationships don’t scare men, the women who want the relationship do…please keep in mind that for the most part when a man is dating and investing in you monetarily, he is interested in a relationship.

The thing most women don’t seem to understand about men, or all of us in general is as simple as good old psychology, “We want what we cannot have” and “We want the best for less”. Wealthy individuals are known for their negotiation skills. They can walk into a room where the service is generally $1,000 and negotiate well enough to where they only pay $500 for the same service.

Also, celebrities who have assets worth millions can pay nothing or next to nothing for luxury items and services often in exchange for exposure. Everyone wants a bargain, men are no different and neither are you if you enjoy shopping for clothes, furniture, shoes, etc., and like a good discount.

We have two types of currency in this world—money and time. If you don’t have time, you need to have money. If you don’t have money, you need to have time. I remember my Editor in Chief sharing her story on how she got started in this industry four years ago. She had to do everything herself for quite some time because revenue was low. She didn’t have money, so her time was the currency.

Now, she gets to go to the gym every day and vacation six times a year with her puppy while having employees such as myself. However, we’re treated very well because she never forgot her struggles with this company. I say that to say, men know about these two currencies which is why if he’s giving you a lot of his time, he may not have much money. Relationships require time and money but they’re never evenly distributed.

It is not your job to advocate for a relationship when you start dating a man. If you’re worried about scaring him away because you want a relationship it is because you were perhaps doing girlfriend things without the title. Think of it like this…if the wealthy person from earlier walked into an establishment and paid $1,000 for the service, realized he paid too much, he would then be afraid to return and ask for the service to now be $500. You have to express your desires from the start to set the tone—in other words, negotiate early.

Think of a man as a celebrity worth millions who can often get things for free in exchange for exposure. A man can meet a woman, have a good-paying job, a home, a car, and disposable income, and still spend nothing on that woman because he’s interested in getting more for less and if he succeeds, you cannot go back and renegotiate. In exchange, she gets his attention sometimes, pillow talk, a few calls…and breadcrumbs.

It is your job as a woman to determine which currency your suitor has more of and then negotiate. If he has no money but lots of time, then you need to negotiate on how his time with you is going to be beneficial to you. If he has more money than time, then the same thing goes, how will his money be beneficial to you? Most importantly, you cannot have access to either of these things without the proper negotiation skills.

Men like to say that women have a price on their vaginas, meanwhile, it isn’t a price tag, it’s more of a bargaining chip. If you want a relationship then you need to bargain for it. Stop giving away your biggest leverage for no time, no money, and no emotional support. Once you’ve reached this place where you’re terrified of asking for a relationship because he may leave or worse, he may say no and then you’ll have to leave, then the only option is to do just that. Earlier I mentioned that as people we want what we cannot have. Sure, maybe you made the mistake of giving him girlfriend benefits without the title, but you can always put a hard stop to it. But, the trick is, you can’t just stop, you need to leave.

If the man does not feel threatened by your absence then he will not bend to your will; you have nothing left to negotiate with, your power is gone. We’ve all been there. At some point or another, a woman has entered into a situationship and given away all of her power. Then she began witnessing her friends or peers getting the treatment or outcome she longs for, and now she’s questioning how she can do the same. The problem isn’t that you cannot obtain the outcome you wish, the conclusion is that the person you want it from has become a pipe dream.

Perhaps this isn’t the news you wanted to hear, hell, when I was in love and I read things like this I would skip it. I only focused on the advice that fed my delusions and offered a list of things I could do to change him. But that’s all clickbait because nothing can change a man and men are not complicated. You have to tell them what you want from the beginning and do not budge on it. Men respect women with standards, get some.

Overall, you should never be afraid to tell a man you want a relationship in the beginning. Whether you’ve just begun dating or have been dating for months, men always initiate relationships. Most men are territorial, if you find yourself asking a man for a relationship, you’ll also be the one asking for marriage and he will no doubt get you a shut-up ring if he genuinely feels like he can’t or doesn’t feel like moving on. Never be the woman a man feels he is settling with, you will be treated with the utmost disregard.


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