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How To Stop Blaming Yourself: Letting Go The Healthy Way

by Danielle Wright

We know that breakups are never easy, it doesn’t matter the age range.

If you’re young and dating it can feel like the end of the world, and the same can be said when you’re older. Oftentimes when a relationship comes to an end one party is left going through the motions and searching for answers—maybe even blaming themselves even though the breakup was inevitable.

These days it doesn't seem like relationships are built to last, with both men and women having a hard time remaining committed to one another. That is understandable as most men and women are not looking for long-term relationships, but rather something transient, like a situationship. But for some women and men, commitment is still a priority, and so, you shouldn't give up.

Related articles: Songs About Moving On

Due to hookup culture most women are hung up over relationships that never were versus actual long-term relationships, but why? A situationship impacts us differently because we idolize the ‘what if’ of the relationship.

What if we had stuck it out a bit longer, would we have eventually been monogamous?

What if I did or said something to turn him off, will he come back?

What if I was not his dream girl?

What if I was too hard on him?

No amount of pondering will change the outcome and so, the next step is healing.


Healing after a relationship is more than just getting your hair and nails done, it’s deep diving into your personality and learning where changes have to be made to avoid repeating the same mistakes.

When you monkey branch from one relationship to the next your chances of finding a true partner becomes slim to none because you will continue to attract the very thing you’re trying to heal from. For example: if you left an abusive relationship—whether you were physically or verbally abused—the chances of you reentering a similar situation are far higher when you slide into it without healing first.

Related articles: How to Move Out on Your Own

Here are tips to help get you started:


Start by speaking to your inner child, ask her/him what it is they are missing or what they would like to see from this version of you. I find it helpful to speak to a photo of myself from when I was a child. It is amazing what that can do for us. When we speak to our inner child, we have to be honest with ourselves. Do we want to be loved because we were not loved correctly? Did you grow up in an abusive home where you were led to believe that love equates to abuse? What does love look like for you and your inner child? Write it down.


Have you ever seen the movie Eat, Pray, Love? I truly recommend it. Liz Gilbert thought she has everything she wanted in life, a husband, a career, and a home. But newly divorced she reached a turning point, finding that she is confused about what is important to her. Daring to step out of her comfort zone, Liz embarks on a quest of self-discovery that takes her to Italy, India, and Bali.

Granted, maybe you’re young and don’t have that kind of money to spend, but take into consideration some options to help earn you additional revenue. I always talk about FeetFinder because it’s easy and fast money! Something like that can take you from $10 - $10,000/month if you leverage the platform correctly and all without ever having to show your face.

Healing is a challenge but when you decide to explore the world that challenge will be welcomed because you’ll see all the benefits that come with it. Look at healing through a different pair of lenses. See it as a chance to gain new knowledge and explore parts of the world or even your town that you would otherwise not have time for.


What is a soul tie? A soul tie is an intense spiritual connection between two people that results in a mutual learning experience. If you find yourself constantly in your head about your past lover, then take a moment to understand why. Could this be a soul tie you’re experiencing? If so, grab a book and do the following:

ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ARE TIED TO AN INDIVIDUAL—write their name and birthday. This is not a weakness; it is your reality and a vital part of moving on.

FORGIVE THEM AND YOURSELF. This is hard because many of us just can’t seem to do this and sometimes it’s the only thing standing between us finding true love and ourselves. When we find it hard to forgive a person from our past, it’s not necessarily them we’re having a hard time forgiving, it’s usually ourselves.

It’s not uncommon for women in relationships to allow disrespect to go on past its expiration date because of how much we love and care for our partners. Oftentimes this leads us down a path where we are mad at ourselves for such a long time, but the truth is, you have to forgive yourself. What you allowed was simply out of love and compassion for that past person. You are not a bad person, you’re incredible. It was their loss.

VISUALIZE CUTTING THE ‘CORD’. Close your eyes, get into a comfortable position, and visualize the person standing in front of you, take deep breaths, and then image the string between you two…cut it. It will help you to manifest the behavior moving forward.

TOSS OUT THEIR THINGS. Yes, even that sweater of theirs you love to wear at night, it has to go. Get rid of anything that reminds you of that person—whether it’s a shoe, a gift you received, or anything at all. You can either donate them or throw them away the choice is yours, but you must declutter your space.

RELEASE. Write them a letter—you can do this using the notes app if you have an iPhone or whatever works for Android. But the most important thing is that you release their energy. Do not be afraid to speak on what they’ve done to you, if you hate them, write it! Do not hold back. In the end, let the person know that it is in your best interest to move on.

Next, it’s time to look forward to that next chapter. Grab a blanket and turn on your favorite feel-good show or movie—mine is ‘Sex & the City—or if you’re a bibliophile like me, a book I just started and am loving is called, The Housemaid by Freida McFadden. Good luck on your journey and remember to check in with us to let us know how it’s going.


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