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How to Ask a Girl Out for Coffee

by Danielle Wright

What was once a simple task has now become the Hunger Games.

Asking a girl out for coffee or a walk in the park is seen as low effort and the bare minimum. Men should approach dating with the same energy and efficiency as they would a career or video game—you learn the basics and use the information to level up to a higher rank or position. The only reason coffee dates are so heavily frowned upon is that men are asking women on dates who are either (1) out of their league, (2) not courted afterwards, (3) not interested.

Dating is a sport, and instead of trying to aim high in the beginning, you should focus your strength on playing at your level. For instance, a woman you find online with hundreds of followers—she’s beautiful and mysterious, so you ask for her number. During this talking stage as you’re getting to know her, your goal should be learning about her hobbies and interests.

If she says she’s into traveling, luxury, expensive, or lavish excursions and you are not there financially, it’s okay to slowly diminish from her life. However, many men will want to continue speaking to this woman and then offer to take her on a coffee date—and here you have it, the problem. When you do not play in your league, you’re left with disappointment.

Take a hard look in the mirror and then take a hard look at your wallet—what can you afford? If you can only afford coffee dates, then venture out to your nearest Starbucks or local coffee shop with a laptop and headphones, sit at a table, and scope out the scene. Do you see any attractive women there who may pique your interest? If so, offer to buy her a cup of coffee and spark up a conversation. While this is not a formal date or a coffee date, it’s an icebreaker and a way to introduce yourself to someone new.

Related articles: How to Date An Introvert

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Social media and COVID have made it harder for many of us to interact with one another in real life. We rely so heavily on dating apps and platforms like Instagram or Facebook to make connections, but this is the wrong approach. Seeking a potential life partner should be taken seriously and approached with the same caution and diligence you would give to your health. The wrong partner can lead to financial ruin, death, incarceration, and much more. So why leave something so serious to a Wi-Fi connection?

On the other hand, let’s say you meet a lovely girl at the library or while shopping for groceries, and you would like to start with a coffee date:

DIRECT APPROACH – Simply ask her straightforwardly if she would like to join you for coffee sometime. For example, “Hey, how are you? My name is (xyz). I think you’re very beautiful. Would you be interested in grabbing coffee with me sometime?”

This approach will most likely warrant a yes from her as it is not seen as low effort, and you’ll be rewarded for approaching her in a public space, being respectful, and asking her to do something quick and easy that doesn’t require too much effort on her part. Once she agrees, ask for her number and begin planning immediately. Do not spend days talking to her over the phone or via text; that’s what the coffee date is for. Otherwise, she will then become less interested in coffee and more interested in an official dinner date. Do not miss this window of opportunity.

CASUAL INVITATION – Bring up the idea of getting coffee together in a more relaxed and informal manner. For instance, “I know this great coffee shop nearby. Would you like to go there sometime?” This type of experience is reserved for college students or if you’re young and trying to experience dating for the first time. A casual invitation is the way to go and comes with little to no expectations.

SHARED INTEREST – Meeting someone while doing something you enjoy is always a plus! If you’re at a basketball game or it’s solo night at the movies; maybe you’re even shopping at the mall. If you’re alone and she’s alone, but you’re both in a space doing the same thing, essentially, it’s good to approach her and say, “Hi, how are you? I see you’re enjoying (xyz). I think you’re a very attractive woman and I’d like to get to know you a bit better. There’s a great coffee shop in here; maybe we can come back and grab a cup one of these days.”

GROUP SETTING – This is always going to be the least intimidating setting to ask a girl on a date, let alone speak to a girl you find attractive. On the contrary, if you’re more comfortable with a less one-on-one approach, you can suggest inviting her to join a group for coffee. For instance, “A few of us are planning to grab coffee after class/work. Would you like to join us?”

If men are ever going to beat the allegations that coffee dates are low effort and bare minimum, then it's best that after a successful coffee date, you plan an exquisite follow-up date. Be sure that the date is to her liking by choosing something you know she would enjoy. After a coffee date and spending all that time getting to know one another, don’t let it go to waste. Follow the courting pattern—three dates, flowers, etc. She was nice enough to go on a coffee date with you, so show her that you actually took the time to listen to her; she will appreciate you for it.


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