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What Not to Do On a Second Date

by Danielle Wright

Perhaps you’re like me, and you’re sick of all the rules and advice that come with dating. Interestingly enough, the advice isn't necessarily bad; it's all about the person giving it.

Ask yourself, what are you looking for in a partner? Take a sheet of paper or open your notes app and jot some things down. This means not only will you be able to make better decisions when it comes to dating, but you'll also weed out who you're interested in taking advice from.

For example, if you’re dating for marriage, it would then be prudent to focus on getting advice from professionals who specialize in marriage counseling. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to be married or engaged to speak with a marriage counselor or pastor. After all, as they say, ‘prevention is better than cure’. There’s no harm in getting a head start on improving your communication skills, cooking skills, and more. Act like the love you want.

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As far as the rules go, there are no rules when it comes to matters of the heart. This is why it's crucial for you to develop a game plan before diving headfirst into the dating pool. The list you’ve created isn't just for you to see it in black and white, but for you to understand the importance of being yourself. You see, when we make a list of our standards, more often than not, we’re just looking for a reflection of ourselves.

A person who is charismatic and outgoing is not going to wish for their future spouse to be an introvert and a homebody. Don’t get me wrong, there are some people with outlandish expectations, but in time they will simply rule themselves out, and more often than not, they’ll never be in the environment to impress or attract those men or women they seek. So, be practical and realistic if you want to see results.

Once you’ve done that and you’re now off to the races, maybe you’ve landed yourself a first date to which you’ve both taken the time to ask some surface-based questions. This is good; the point of a first date is to make a good first impression. This means your outfit should be nice, your hair done, and if you’re a male, you want to be properly groomed.

Logically speaking, your first date should be in an environment where it’s quiet and well-lit. Both of you should be able to hear yourselves think. Yes, we know social media has managed to make everyone believe that a first date should take place at a 5-star Michelin restaurant with dim lights and loud music. However, this should never be the case. Let’s say you’re not into a regular meet and greet—like the coffee shop, for starters—then you want to do something like brunch at a local restaurant (maybe a pop shop in your neighborhood during the daytime). Ladies and gentlemen, this is practical. It’s still a chance for you to dress up and come well-groomed while also not breaking the bank on a $300 dinner check.

Many times we hear of celebrities going out on lavish dates, maybe even being flown to another country for dinner and then returning home, but did you know that’s usually not their first time going out? You see, many celebrities have mutual friends and run in the same circles, so it’s normal that two people may have run into one another, were introduced at an event, and had a moment to chit-chat before exchanging their information.

Following this, perhaps they met up for a walk or something casual. Usually, once this happens and the guy expresses a deep interest, he’ll plan an extravagant date. The extravagant part is what makes it to news outlets because it’s good press. If the couple isn’t careful though, sometimes those off-guard photos of them grabbing coffee or going for a walk make it into the tabloids. So, you see, millionaires are not spending hundreds of thousands the very first time they meet someone, so why are you?

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Now that the first impressions date or meet and greet is out of the way, you want to focus on your second date. This is the date where you can expect a planned dinner in a dimly lit restaurant where there is music and a menu that’s only one page. This means the pressure is off; your date does not have to resent you when the bill comes or as he’s adding it up in his head because he’s invested minimally thus far, you’ve been understanding, patient, and shown yourself to be likable. Men want to court women, but we all want to do what’s best logically.

The only red flag to run away from is a man who invites you to his home for the first meet and greet—he is a bum and has no plans on taking you seriously. But any man who is willing to go outdoors in any capacity should be deemed interested. Second dates are for questioning your date about their past. Now, you need to know a few things:

MEN ask this:

  • What’s your favorite childhood memory?

  • What’s the best book you’ve read recently?

  • What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

  • What is your idea of a perfect day?

  • If you could master any skill overnight, what would it be?

These questions help you to understand a few things about her that will be crucial to the development of your relationship. Asking about her childhood gains you insight into what she is used to having or seeing in a home: if she comes from a two-parent household, then she’s expecting to raise a family under the same conditions. If not, but her father is present, she is no fool and will have high expectations when it comes to having a man present in her life. Lastly, if she did not have a father growing up she may be dealing with some unhealed daddy issues, which is something you can learn as time progresses.

The next few questions will tell you about her hobbies and her interest in contributing to your household—the one you plan to build for your family. Is she someone you can trust to take care of things in the event that something goes wrong and you either fall unemployed or sick? Superficial women are not women you marry and procreate with.

WOMEN ask this:

  • What’s the best piece of advice you’ve received?

  • What’s your favorite way to unwind after a long day?

  • What’s something you’re looking forward to in the next year?

  • What’s the most recent concert you’ve ever been to?

  • If you could pick up and move anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Now, the first two questions will tell you if he’s had good role models in his life, people who have taught him about being a provider, protector, and an empathetic individual. Also, his sex drive. If the only thing he wants to do after a long day is have sex and play video games, get out of dodge.

The next set of questions are for positioning and planning—good leaders are exquisite planners. If he’s stumbling or unsure of what his objectives are in life, it means he has no plans for himself and will have no plans for you. Ditch him. Learning about his hobbies will tell you what kind of material he likes to consume.

If the material is derogatory, then expect some semblance of struggle love. Lastly, is he well-traveled or wishes to travel with his partner? The second date is about adding that first layer to your potential union. It’s time to dive deep and listen keenly, not to what they are saying, but to what they are not saying!

The one and only thing you should never do on a second date is assume there will be more.


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